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Mathematics Applied
to Engineering and
Management
Mathematical Engineering, Manufacturing,
and Management Sciences
Series Editor: Mangey Ram, Professor, Department of Mathematics;
Computer Science and Engineering, Graphic Era Deemed to be University,
Dehradun, India
The aim of this new book series is to publish the research studies and articles
that contain the latest development and research applied to mathematics
and its applications in the manufacturing and management sciences areas.
Mathematical tools and techniques are the strength of engineering sciences.
They form the common foundation of all novel disciplines as engineering
evolves and develops. The series will include a comprehensive range
of applied mathematics and its application in engineering areas such as
optimization techniques, mathematical modeling and simulation, stochastic
processes and systems engineering, safety-critical system performance,
system safety, system security, high-assurance software architecture and
design, mathematical modeling in environmental safety sciences, finite
element methods, differential equations, and reliability engineering.
Edited by
Mangey Ram
S. B. Singh
CRC Press
Taylor & Francis Group
6000 Broken Sound Parkway NW, Suite 300
Boca Raton, FL 33487-2742
This book contains information obtained from authentic and highly regarded sources. Reasonable efforts
have been made to publish reliable data and information, but the author and publisher cannot assume
responsibility for the validity of all materials or the consequences of their use. The authors and publishers
have attempted to trace the copyright holders of all material reproduced in this publication and apologize
to copyright holders if permission to publish in this form has not been obtained. If any copyright material
has not been acknowledged please write and let us know so we may rectify in any future reprint.
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Trademark Notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are
used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
v
vi Contents
Mangey Ram
Graphic Era Deemed to be University
Dehradun, India
S. B. Singh
G. B. Pant University of Agriculture & Technology
Pantnagar, India
vii
Acknowledgments
The Editors acknowledge CRC press for this opportunity and professional
support. Also, we would like to thank all the chapter authors and reviewers
for their availability for this work.
ix
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Editors
xi
xii Editors
xiii
xiv Contributors
CONTENTS
1.1 Introduction .................................................................................................... 2
1.2 GPs and GLPs: An Overview and Applications........................................ 2
1.2.1 Geometric Process ............................................................................. 2
1.2.2 Classification of GLPs ........................................................................ 3
1.2.3 Applications of GLPs ......................................................................... 5
1.3 Applications of GPs in Warranty Analysis ................................................ 6
1.3.1 Basics of Warranty Analysis.............................................................6
1.3.2 A Warranty Cost Model for Non-zero Repair Times....................7
1.3.2.1 An Alternating Process (AP) Model .................................7
1.3.2.2 Three AP Models ................................................................9
1.3.3 Nonrenewing Free Repair Warranty Cost Analysis................... 11
1.3.3.1 Expected Warranty Costs Over the Warranty
Period (0, T )......................................................................... 11
1.3.3.2 Expected Warranty Costs Over the Product
Lifecycle (0, L) ..................................................................... 12
1.3.4 RFRW and RRFRW(n) Cost Analysis ............................................ 12
1.3.4.1 Expected Warranty Costs Over (0,WT ) ........................... 13
1.3.4.2 Expected Warranty Costs Over Product
Life Cycle (0, L) ................................................................... 15
1.4 Data Analysis ............................................................................................... 15
1.4.1 Fitting APs to Warranty Claims Data ........................................... 16
1.4.1.1 Hypothesis Testing ........................................................... 16
1.4.1.2 Comparing the Fit of the Models .................................... 16
1.4.1.3 Identifying a Parametric Form for the RP and GP ....... 18
1.4.2 Estimation of Expected Warranty Cost Over (0, T ) ..................... 19
1.5 Conclusion .................................................................................................... 20
References............................................................................................................... 21
1
2 Mathematics Applied to Engineering and Management
1.1 Introduction
Stochastic processes, such as renewal processes, are often used to model the
occurrence of recurrent events over time. Under the assumption of a renewal
process, the time between events are modeled to be independent and identically
distributed random variables. In many scenarios, this assumption is justifiable
and reflects the modeled situation well. However, if trends over time are observed,
this assumption does not hold. These types of trends can be observed in many
practical problems in a variety of fields (e.g., engineering—a system’s lifetime is
stochastically decreasing because of aging or imperfect repairs, and at the same
time the maintenance/repair time required to keep an aging system operational
is stochastically increasing; in epidemiology—the number of infected cases is
increasing at the start of an infectious disease outbreak and shows a decreasing
trend at the later stages of the outbreak; in economics—the trends in the eco-
nomic development of a country or a region show a periodic cycle in its gross
national product, increasing at the early stage of the cycle and decreasing at the
end of the cycle. All these examples have one common feature, their characteriza-
tion involves a specific monotone trend over a substantial time interval).
To model these types of “simple” trends, a monotone (stochastically
increasing or decreasing) behavior of the interevent times, a process called
the geometric process (GP), was introduced by Yeh Lam [25]. The GP is a
generalization of the renewal process, providing more modeling flexibility
than the renewal process by allowing trends but still retaining simplicity,
which preserves the tractability of its derived properties and its implementa-
tion. In addition, a variety of extensions of the GP, which we refer to in this
chapter as geometric-like processes (GLPs), have been proposed to address
an even wider range of scenarios and trends.
The aim of this chapter is to review GPs and GLPs and briefly outline some
of their applications. We also provide some specific applications of GPs to
warranty cost analysis. In Section 1.2 we provide an overview of GPs and
GLPs. In Section 1.3 we discuss the application of GPs in warranty analysis
and provide details of three alternating process models under two warranty
strategies. We apply the models to real data in Section 1.4 and conclude this
chapter in Section 1.5.
λ σ2
E(Xn ) = n −1
and Var(Xn ) = 2( n −1)
.
a a
x
E(N ( x)) = F( x) +
∫ E(N(a(x − y)))dF(y).
0
(1.1)
Generalized Geometric
Process (GGP)
g(n) = a0 a1 a2 . . . an−1 ,
where a0 = 1
[32]
FIGURE 1.1
Taxonomy of geometric-like processes. (From John Braun, W. et al., Nav. Res. Logisti., 52, 607–616,
2005; Maxim S. Finkelstein, M.S., Microelectron. Reliab., 33, 41–44, 1993; Wu, S. and Wang, G.,
IMA J. Manag. Math., 29, 229–245, 2018.)
• For the first class of GLPs, Fn ( x) = F( g(n)x) , for some function g(n).
The function g(n) could be thought of as providing the transforma-
tion required to convert a particular GP/GLP to a RP. We call this
first class basic GLP.
• For the second class of GLP, the transformation required for con-
version to RP has a more complex structure; thus, we refer to them
Geometric and Geometric-Like Processes and Their Applications 5
Our classification scheme for GLPs is presented in Figure 1.1. The taxonomy
we present here provides a starting point for further study of these processes,
and the modeling of situations involving monotone trends (see [1] for further
details).
TABLE 1.1
Applications of GLPs
Application GLP Selected Articles
Despite that warranties are so commonly used, the accurate pricing of war-
ranties in many situations remains an unsolved problem. This may seem
surprising because meeting warranty claim obligations can be costly for
companies. Underestimating the true warranty costs results in losses for a
company. On the other hand, overestimating them will lead to uncompeti-
tive product prices. The data relevant to the modeling of warranty costs in
industry are usually highly confidential because they are commercially sen-
sitive. A good deal of warranty analysis, therefore, takes place in internal
research divisions of large companies.
In most models for both maintenance and warranty, repairs are usually
assumed to be instantaneous [9,28]. If the repair time is relatively small com-
pared to the time to failure of the product and also if the down time of the
product is not associated with high penalties, then the assumption of instan-
taneous repairs is reasonable. Under this scenario, and assuming that the
repairs are perfect, the renewal reward process (see [29]) is an appropriate
tool to model the total expected warranty costs.
When the repair time is not small compared with the lifetime of the item,
the repair cost is related to its duration, or lengthy repair times incur a penalty
cost, then the assumption of instantaneous repair may not be appropriate.
Geometric and Geometric-Like Processes and Their Applications 7
In these situations, incorporating repair times into the model can improve
the estimation of warranty costs. Often, the repair cost is modeled as a linear
function of repair time. This is a reasonable assumption when the repair
activity is labor intensive, and the repair cost is dominated by hourly labor
costs.
TABLE 1.2
Nomenclature for Alternating Process Models
Xi ith operational (“on”) time
Xi ith repair (“off”) time
Zi Length of ith cycle (operational time + repair time)
Si End time of ith cycle
FXi (t) CDF of ith operational (“on”) time
FYi (t) CDF of ith repair (“off”) time
H i (t) CDF of ith cycle, Zi
G (t)i
1
CDF of end time of ith cycle
fXi (t) PDF of ith operational (“on”) time
fYi (t) PDF of ith repair (“off”) time
Ci Cost of the i th repair/claim
N (t) Number of completed cycles by time, t
m1 (t) = E(N (t)) Expected number of completed cycles by time, t
Abbreviations: CDF, cumulative distribution function; PDF, probability
density function.
8 Mathematics Applied to Engineering and Management
∞ ∞
m1(t) = ∑
k =1
P(Sk ≤ t) = ∑G (t),
k =1
k
1
where
Observe that the ARP and GARP are special cases of the AGP. For instance, if
a = 1 and b = 1, then an AGP is an ARP, and similarly if b = 1, then a GARP is
an ARP. The expected values of the ith operational time, ith repair time, and
ith warranty repair cost are summarized in Table 1.3 for the three models.
Because warranties are issued for a finite length of time, we need some
finite time horizon theoretical results for the three alternating processes
described. Table 1.4 provides a summary of the theoretical results needed
TABLE 1.3
Summary of Expected Values for the Alternating Processes ARP,
GARP, and AGP
Result ARP GARP AGP
Summary of Key Results for ARP, GARP, and AGP in a Finite Time Horizon
Result ARP [16,29] GARP [27] AGP [2]
t ∞ t ∞ t
P(on at t) FX (t) + X 1 FX1 (t) + Xn+1 (t − z)dG1n ( z) FX1 (t) + Xk +1 (t − s)dG1k (s)
0
∫ F (t − y)dm (y) 0 0
∑∫ Fn=1
∑∫ F
k =1
t
= FX (t) + X 1
0
∫ F (t − z)dm (z)
E(Y1 ) E(Y1 )
E(YN (T )+1 |on at T ) ; for T > 0 E(Y ) FX (T ) { FX1 (T ) {
P(on at T ) P(on at T )
∞ T ∞ T
1 k
1
+ k X 1 + k
(T − s)dG1k (s)
Xk +1
0 0
k =1
∑ b ∫ F (T − s)dG (s) ∑b ∫ F
k =1
P(SN (T ) + XN (T )+1 ≤ t|on at T ); FX (T ) − FX (t) FX (T ) − FX (t) FX1 (T ) − FX1 (t)
T
+ T
+ ∞
for T ≤ t T
FX (T ) + FX (T − u) dm1 (u) FX (T ) + FX (T − z) dm1 ( z) FX1 (T ) + Xk +1 (T − s)dG1k (s)
∫ 0 ∫0 ∑∫ F 0
k =1
T T
∞ T
X X 1 X X 1
0
∫ ( F (T − u) − F (t − u))dm (u) 0
∫ ( F (T − z) − F (t − z))dm (z) Xk +1 (T − s) − FXk +1 (t − s) dG1k (s))
T T ∑∫ ( F 0
k =1
F (T ) + F (T − u) dm (u)
X X 1 F (T ) + F (T − z) dm ( z)
X X 1 + ∞ T
∫ 0 ∫ 0
FX1 (T ) + Xk +1 (T − s)dG1k (s)
0
∑∫ Fk =1
dFX (u) dm1 (w)) dFYk +1 (v) dFX (u) dG1k (w) ) dFYk +1 (v) dFXk +1 (u) dG1k (s) )
Mathematics Applied to Engineering and Management
Abbreviations: AGP, alternating geometric process; ARP, alternating renewal process; GARP, generalized alternating renewal process.
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monies, und——
P. McK.—“Oond,” in short, you fellows are licked out of your boots.
E. F.—Vas?
P. McK.—I was saying that, in the sympathetic judgment of this
country, your admirable people are experiencing an unforeseen
adversity.
E. F.—Lort Roperts haf onvaded our sagred soil und he vil nod led
go.
P. McK.—My great and good friend, pardon me, but didn’t your
people begin that?
E. F.—We haf tvice unpology made, but Lort Soolsbury he vill not
occept.
P. McK.—How strange!
E. F.—Ve oppeals on der great und goot Yongee heart, vich lofes
us. It vas vun grand receptions vich der Amerigan beobles vas gif us
under Ny Yark som day!
P. McK.—Yes, it was. I have here a list of names of the Reception
Committee, which [enter Secretary Gage] I will read to you. [Reads].
Secretary Gage—Mr. President, may I ask if that list of names was
copied from the books of the Commissioner of Immigration at Ellis
Island?
P. McK.—O, no: they are names of exponents of American public
sentiment. They “received” this honest gentleman.
S. G. (eyeing honest gentleman)—Well, I fancy it would be more
blessed to give him than receive.
E. F.—But, your Egcellenza, shall ve haf der onterventionings
alreaty yet? I burn mit ombatience!
P. McK. (to servant)—The gentleman burns. Put him out.
[Exit Envoy Fischer, pursued.]
Voices (within)—Hurrah! Hurrah for the Boer Republic!
P. McK.—There must be an unusual number of Congressmen in the
waiting room.
THE ORDEAL
An Historian. Clio.
Historian (writing)—“The Yanko-Spanko war was brief, but very
destructive. In the two or three months that it lasted the Americans
had more than three thousand soldiers and a half-dozen sailors killed
by the Spaniards and—”
Clio—Tut-tut! no romancing; less than three hundred were killed.
H. (writing)—“Their own officers. Armed with repeating
incompetences, the latter were indeed formidable.”
Did you speak?
C.—No.
H. (writing)—“An effort was made to hold the commanding
officers of the expeditionary forces responsible for the mortality
among their troops, but ended in failure, for it could not be
determined who was in command.”
Clio, dear, who was in command at Santiago?
C.—First Linares, then Toral.
H.—I mean, who commanded the Americans.
C.—I don’t know.
H.—What are you the Muse of History for if you don’t know such a
thing as that?
C.—Ask me who really built the Great Pyramid, and why. Ask me
who wrote the “Junius” letters. Ask me who was the Man in the Iron
Mask. Ask me what Browning meant. Ask me anything in reason, but
don’t ask me who commanded the American army in the Yanko-
Spanko war. Settle it by turning a coin. You’ll be as likely to be right
as wrong, and in History that will give good results. The historian
who in the long run tells the truth half the time is a great historian.
H. (turning coin)—Head, Miles; tail, Shafter.
C.—Well?
H.—It is a smooth coin! (Writes) “The army before Santiago had
no commander.”
FROSTING A BUD
McKinley, President. Hay, Secretary of State. Mark Hanna, Senator
and Dictator Politicus.
McKinley—John, I am greatly troubled.
Hay—Permit me to send for the head of the Bureau of Exculpation
and Avoidance.
McK.—Not to-day; it is another kind of matter.
H.—Ah, then; the Lord High Disheartener of the Importunate——
McK.—No, no, John, it is about you.
H.—About me? Surely, you do not mean—you cannot think that
another change in the Cabinet——
McK.—May you be Secretary of State for a thousand years.
H.—Then speak it out. I have a heart for any fate except one.
McK.—Well, it is this: I have not seen nor heard of anybody who
seems to want you for Vice-President. Actually, your name has not
been mentioned except by myself.
H.—And to whom were you pleased to mention it, if I may ask?
McK.—To Senator Hanna.
H.—And am I worthy to know what he said?
McK.—It will pain you, John. Mr. Hanna is a strong, coarse man
who says what he thinks and never stops to think what he says.
H.—What did he say?
McK.—That you would make a good running mate for a lame
tortoise.
H.—Indeed!
McK.—He added that you had been drowned by the British
Ambassador in the Nicaragua Canal.
H.—Anything more?
McK.—He said that you parted your beard on the Greenwich
meridian.
H.—Yes.
McK.—He said that if asininity had not been invented you would
invent it.
[Enter Mark Hanna. Exit, McKinley.]
Mark Hanna—Good-morning, Mr. Secretary.
H.—What is your business with me, sir?
M. H.—Why, John, I came to ask you if you would accept the
nomination for Vice-President.
H.—After what you said to the President on that subject, sir——
M. H.—It has never been mentioned between us.
H.—Ho-o-o-wat!
[Falls in a fit of shivers.]
M. H.—The gentleman appears to be indisposed. Guess he was
struck by a draft from the Open Door.
A BAFFLED AMBITION
McKinley, President. Roosevelt, Vice-President. Hay, Secretary of
State. Doorkeeper.
Roosevelt—Mr. President, I have come to consult with you about
——
McKinley—Why, yes, of course. I expect always to consult with the
leading men of the party—you and the others.
R.—Others?
McK.—In the great scheme of the universe Heaven has provided
others.
R.—There are also snakes and flies, but we do not accord them a
voice in the ordering of large affairs.
McK.—There is my Cabinet.
R.—Nice chaps—they will, no doubt, be glad to carry out any
policy that we may decide upon.
McK.—Then I understand that in the guidance and direction of this
administration you have the goodness to care to be the Whole
Thing?
R.—You do me the greatest injustice (lifting his eyes to the sky
and reverently pointing in the same direction). There is a greater
than I.
McK.—Have you any other news?
R.—I have read your message from start to finish.
McK.—Indeed! And what do you think of it?
R.—The worst I ever! It does not at all express my views on the
——
McK.—The views expressed are supposed to be those of the
President.
R.—The devil!
McK.—I beg pardon. The President.
R.—But where do I come in?
McK.—Into what? The White House? Where the cat does, I think.
The other entrances are guarded.
R.—Look here, pardner, I mean to be a part of this administration.
McK.—With that hat?
R.—What’s the matter with the hat?
McK.—The head. [Rings bell, enter Hay.] Mr. Secretary, this
gentleman has the goodness to wish to resign and become a part of
the administration. Is there a vacancy in the Cabinet?
Hay—You can easily make one, sir, by appointing him.
[Exit Roosevelt, swearing.]
The Russian Ambassador has called to talk of a concerted
movement on Peking, to rescue the besieged legations.
McK.—Never mind that now—let us have peace.
[Enter Doorkeeper, pale and agitated.]
Doorkeeper—O, if you please, sir, the gentleman with the teeth!
McK.—Well?
D.—He—he showed ’em!
McK.—Well?
D.—He—he drawed a bowie knife! If you please, sir, I—I’d like
another place.
McK.—You are right, my good man. You shall be Minister to China.
THE GENESIS OF A NATION
Hay, Secretary of State. Morgan, a Southern Senator. Telephone.
Morgan—Mr. Secretary, I have startling and important news: the
State of Panama has seceded from Colombia!
Hay—You don’t say so!—this is so sudden!
Mor.—Yes, sir, it is true.
Hay—Well, well! Who would have thought it?
Mor.—I trust, sir, this removes the last scruple that the
Administration may have had against immediate construction of the
Nicaraguan Canal. The war down there will——
Hay—War? Is there also a war?
Mor.—Sir, you astonish me! Am I to suppose that you do not know
that secession entails war? I learned that more than forty years ago.
Hay—Dear me! Then we shall have to protect American interests.
How do you think it would do to send word to our Consul at Colon to
be duly vigilant in the matter? Or perhaps it would be better to have
our Minister at Bogota notify Colombia that there must be no
bloodshed.
Mor.—I think, if you want to know, that that would be taking the
side of Panama.
Hay—We cannot, of course, do that: it would look like a violation
of neutrality. Really, the situation is embarrassing. I wish those hot-
headed southern Republics would be good.
Mor.—Well, sir, if you have nothing to propose, I shall speak of the
matter in the Senate.
Hay—Oh, thank you so much. I promise you that we will await the
conclusion of your remarks before taking any action in the
Nicaraguan matter.
Mor. (aside)—Hoist with my own petard!
[Exit Morgan; Hay goes to telephone.]
Hay—Hello! Give me the Secretary of the Navy.
Telephone—Br-r-r-r-r-rrr.
Hay—That you, Moody? Have you sent those fifteen warships to
the Isthmus?—and the two thousand marines? And have they orders
that if any Colombian soldier set foot on the sacred soil of Panama
they are to shoot him on the spot?
Tel.—Br-r-r-r-rzz—spot him on the snoot.
Hay—All right. I’ll draft a canal treaty with the Panaman Junta at
once. The President has his ear to the ground and says that there is
a pretty strong sentiment down there in favor of admittance into this
Union. Truly this is a wonderful century.
Tel.—People are saying that we fomented this Panama rebellion.
Hay—Oh, Moody; how unjust!
A WHITE HOUSE IDYL
President Roosevelt. Shonts, Engineer of the Panama Canal. Loeb,
Private Secretary to the President. The Adversary of Souls. The
Press.
ACT I
PRESIDENT (solus):
There!—’tis to be a lock canal. Now let
The dirt fly.
[Enter Shonts.]
SHONTS:
Very well, sir, don’t you fret;
It will, right speedily, I’m sure. But I—
I’m getting out of this concern. I fly!
[Exit Shonts.]
PRESIDENT:
Now let the heathen rage: their pet sea-level
Canal has gone a-glimmering to the devil.
[Enter Loeb with a card.]
What’s this? “The Adversary.” Just my luck—
Without a rake I get all kinds of muck.
Always that Democrat appears if I
But mention him—I really wonder why.
Of one too many he’s the one. Go say
(sighing)
That I’ll not see him—I’ve seen Shonts to-day.
LOEB:
The gentleman is in the waiting room.
I think he wants to talk about your “boom.”
PRESIDENT:
Wants an appointment in my Cabinet,
And there’s no vacancy.
LOEB:
O you forget—
There’s Hitchcock.
[Enter Adversary.]
PRESIDENT:
S
Ah, good morning, sir. Delighted!
(aside)
The fellow never waits till he’s invited.
ADVERSARY:
Sir, we have overlooked the unwritten law
Forbidding a third term. You must withdraw.
PRESIDENT (aside):
Come to torment me! How this horrid shape,
Grinning behind his hand like any ape,
Maddens to candor. (Aloud) Brute! you might
delay
Your triumph until I have had my day
And nations weep, in slow procession walking
——
ADVERSARY:
For him who dug the great canal by talking!
’Twere long to wait unless your tongue were
made
By miracle divine into a spade.
PRESIDENT:
Take that, you beast!
[Beats him and chases him off the
stage, losing his temper in the scuffle.]
LOEB (solus):
The rogues fall out—sic semper.
As honest man, I will annex his temper.
[Puts President’s temper under his coat
and exit.]
ACT II
THE PRESS (solum):
The President “received” last night—all smiles,
Charming the throng with amiable wiles.
But Loeb, with flaming eyes and flying feet,
Sprang in and kicked them all into the street!
TWO FAVORITES
Wood, a Medicated Warrior. Miles, a Soldier. Satan, a Statesman.
Chorus of Citizens.
MILES (to Wood):
Sir, I have ventured to observe with what
I hope is a becoming modesty, that not
In vain have been your sacrifices, nor
Quite thrown away your aptitude for war.
Service and genius—these are things that
count,
With (if you’re cavalry) the skill to mount.
Somewhat, too, doubtless, it promotes your
gains
In rank and honors to possess the brains
To know enough to go in when it rains.
WOOD:
Some know enough to note the fine effect
Of sunshine on their uniform.
MILES:
Correct:
I’ve keener joy to see the daybeam smite
My gay attire than you to see it light
Your military record. Let’s get through—
I’d rather bandy swords than words with you.
But you’re a man of peace—a doctor, sir;
To save life, not to take it, you prefer;
And in the Spanish War your taste was shown
In saving with consummate skill your own.
By that you earned, according to my notion,
More leather medals, not so much promotion.
CHORUS OF CITIZENS:
By that he earned, according to our notion,
More leather medals, not so much promotion.
MILES:
When you’re a general in chief command,
M d ll i thi h l d!
May peace dwell ever in this happy land!
CHORUS OF CITIZENS:
When he’s a general in chief command,
May peace dwell ever in this happy land!
WOOD:
From Santiago’s veins I drained the fever.
MILES:
When shown by Lawton how to make it leave
her.
WOOD:
I washed Havana.
MILES:
Yes, you made the mud flow
Right lively when you had been taught by
Ludlow.
WOOD:
My service——
MILES:
’Twas of silver, was it not?—
Given you by gamblers for the Lord knows
what!
Well, take your honors—they’re well earned, I
think,
By working for yourself with printer’s ink
And feats of fawning—all the arts, in fine,
Whereby our peace-time heroes rise and shine.
Rather than witness more of your intrigues
I’ll mount a bronco and ride thirty leagues!
WOOD:
Well, two Administrations, you’ll agree,
I have been served and honored by
I have been served and honored by.
SATAN:
Dear me,
I’ve had the favor and support of three.
A DIPLOMATIC TRIUMPH
President Roosevelt. Secretary of State Hay.
The President—Say, John, I wish you would see the Chinese
Minister and tell him that Russia is complaining that China does not
observe a strict neutrality. Tell him that she is imperiling her
administrative entity.
Secretary Hay—I have already done so, sir; and I ventured to add
that an oyster schooner that had just arrived from below had a very
large mast.
The P.—What the dickens had that to do with it?
S. H.—Ah, you are not skilled in the language of diplomacy; it was
an oblique reference to the “big stick.” The Chink understood; he
was born on one of the days before yesterday.
The P.—And what did he say?
S. H.—Everything: put his hands into his long sleeves, crossed
them on his breast and bowed three times, profoundly silent. Then
he retired.
The P.—I am from Wyoming and you’ll have to explain.
S. H.—It’s all right. I at once summoned the other Ambassadors
(except the Russian and the Japanese) and told them that you had
made the most forcible representations to the Chinese Empress
regarding her Majesty’s breaches——
The P.—Her what? You said that?
S. H.—Of neutrality. They were greatly impressed.
The P.—What did they say?
S. H.—What could they say? They bowed and went out, one by
one, leaving the door open. The Open Door is what we stand for. It
is all over.
The P.—Except the shouting.
S. H.—Secretary Loeb will see to that. He has prepared a
statement of the incident for the press.
[Tumult within—cheers and fishhorns.]
The P.—What’s that?
S. H.—The shouting.
A SUCKED ORANGE
The President. Root, Secretary of State.
ROOT:
O world-power President, strenuous, mighty-mouthed,
audible, able,
Director of destiny, arbiter morum, compeller of princes,
Why this dejected demeanor, this sighing that signifies
something
Gone wrong with the organ wherewith you were happy
aforetime? O, keep me
No longer a-guessing: divulge to your faithful Elihu the
hidden
Vermicular monster that gnaws at the core of the executive
bosom—
Nay, feeds on the damask of that which mainly attests your
distinction.
PRESIDENT:
Alas, ’tis no worm that is secretly plying the hardy incision;
From troubles intestinal I and my country have present
exemption—
Albeit the Democrats, turbulent ever and always disloyal,
Continue to shout of political contributions, demanding
A needless accounting, and some hint at restitution. My
sorrow
Has better foundation. King Edward of England has joined
the Mikado
In making a shameless alliance to tighten their grip upon
Asia!
ROOT:
Why, surely, my master, we have the advantage: this
compact secures us
Continuous peace in the Orient, gives us the door that is
open.
Prevents the partition of China—in brief it establishes firmly
All that my great predecessor
(aside)
(whom the Angel of Death, in
his wisdom,
Removed from my path to the White House)
(aloud)
so gallantly strove to accomplish.
PRESIDENT:
What’s that got to do with it, idiot? A broad-minded
statesman (behold him!)
O’erlooks, like a man on a stepladder, trivial and transient
advantage,
Discerning the meaning and menace of methods that mark
the achievement.
Not once in all the proceedings that led to this hardy alliance
Was uttered, or written, or thought of, the name of
Theodore Roosevelt!
[Exit.]
ROOT (solus):
O, dammit! why should they consult him?— there wasn’t a
roasting chestnut
To pull from the fire—and his fingers still smart from the
Peace of Portsmouth.
A TWISTED TALE
Roosevelt, President. Hay, Secretary of State. Cassini, Russian
Ambassador.
HAY:
Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day?
CASSINI:
Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray
Inform me if your physical condition
Is satisfactory to your physician.
HAY:
O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple.
CASSINI (aside):
The fellow’s wormy.
HAY:
Now, then, let us grapple
With “Bessarabian outrages” and such.
Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much.
Christians and Jews alike are up in arms
Here in America, and this alarms
The President. He tells me I’m expected
To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.
CASSINI:
So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:
If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”
If, for example, we ignore your cross talk
You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.
HAY:
O no, my friend, it might mean more than play
If public sentiment could have its way.
Our people are so wroth it might mean war
Did naught prevent—but that’s what I am for.
As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming,
And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.
d to succeed e e got to eep t gs u g
CASSINI:
In other words, it means just nothing.
HAY:
Yes,
That is about the size of it, I guess.
The Jewish vote, you understand——
CASSINI:
I see:
To help you get it you apply to me;
And my Imperial Master is the cat
To pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat,
You beast!” is not the right command.
HAY:
My noble friend, you do not understand.
What I shall offer to you for transmission
Is nothing but a courteous petition,
Which if you pocket (winking) on your own head be it.
I shall have done my duty as I see it.
CASSINI:
But how about your master?
HAY:
He’s all right;
He must make faces, but he need not fight.
CASSINI:
Hand in the document without delay—
’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.
[Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.]
ROOSEVELT:
Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did you
Well, John, I trust you broke no bones. Did you
Caution that candle-eater what we’ll do
If one more Hebrew they annoy? Does he
Clearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?
HAY:
Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly said
You’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;
Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weep
His shoes full; load the sanguinary deep
With battleships until ’twould overwhelm
The seaboard cities of their monkey realm;
Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!
ROOSEVELT:
That programme is more strenuous than Marcus’s—
Hanna, my master. He would never dare
To twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.
I’m big enough to tackle any brute!
[Exit Roosevelt.]
HAY (solus):
I too am quite a sizable galoot.
POST MORTEM
The President. Miles, Commander of the Army. Root, Secretary of
War. Loeb, Private Secretary to President. Hull, Chairman of
Committee on Military Affairs. An Orderly.
ACT I
Headquarters of the Army.
MILES (in bed):
What ho, there! orderly—I say, I say!
Bring in my breakfast. What’s the time o’ day?
What? six o’clock!—and day’s already broke?
I’m too late to escape him. Holy smoke!
I think I hear his footstep on the stair—
But no, it is not his: there is no blare
Of a great trumpet strenuously blown—
That veritable tuba mirum known
To have sounded once the charge at Kettle Hill
(After ’twas made) and to be sounding still.
ORDERLY:
Perhaps he will not come.
MILES:
Perhaps, perhaps—
Yet well I know those War Department chaps
Have told him of my novel plan that places
The Army on a military basis.
Ne’er mind the breakfast; I’ll get up and fly
Before the sun’s another minute high.
If I can by a masterly retreat
Escape him trust me to come back and eat.
ORDERLY:
There’s some one, sir, a-tryin’ to break in.
MILES:
O Lord, forgive my every little sin!
Seeing that I was going to be late
Developing my Plan, he would not wait,
He’s risen with the lark, alas, and brought
His answer to my unperfected thought.
He always was forehanded.
[Enter President.]
PRESIDENT:
I’ve no time
To let the punishment await the crime.
Take that, and that, and that! (beating him.)
MILES:
Of course, of course;
I’m firm in judgment, but I yield to force.
“Submission is a military virtue,”
The Regulations say, “howe’er it hurt you.”
I’ll now submit to buffets with sobriety,
And, later on, my view of their propriety,
Together with some pertinent suggestions
Touching important military questions.
PRESIDENT:
You may, and touching civil ones to boot;
Submit them, though, to Secretary Root.
[Enter Root.]
MILES:
Yes, but ’twould hearten me if you’d agree
To signify your mind to him, not me.
Seeing him lame I’ll know the views I deem
Correct are held by you in light esteem.
ROOT:
Don’t rub your bruises, man; that’s mutiny!
PRESIDENT:
And it demands official scrutiny.
I’ll summon a court-martial, sir, to “fire” you;
And if it finds you guiltless I’ll retire you.
You huff me anyhow. Dashnation, man,
The battle spirit, like a black-and-tan
Ranch dog, sits up and howls within my breast,
And it’s O, to bust a bronco in the West!