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The Fine Art of Small Talk Debra Fine Digital Instant
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Author(s): Debra Fine
ISBN(s): 9781401383510, 1401383513
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Year: 2005
Language: english
 FROM WELLBEING
TO W E L L D O I N G

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 2 27-Sep-23 12:20:36 PM
 FROM WELLBEING
TO W E L L D O I N G
H OW TO T H I N K ,
LEARN AND BE WELL

LOT I
A B BY VENABLES
OSBORNE
KAREN
ANGUS-COLE

00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 3 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM

 1 Oliver’s Yard  Abby Osborne, Karen Angus-Cole, Loti Venables 2024
55 City Road
London EC1Y 1SP Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research,
private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the
2455 Teller Road Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, this publication
Thousand Oaks may not be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form,
California 91320 or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of
the publisher, or in the case of reprographic reproduction, in
Unit No 323-333, Third Floor, F-Block accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright
International Trade Tower Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside
Nehru Place, New Delhi – 110 019 those terms should be sent to the publisher.

8 Marina View Suite 43-053

Asia Square Tower 1
Singapore 018960

Editor: Kate Keers

Assistant editor: Sahar Jamfar Library of Congress Control Number: 2023932925
Production editor: Nicola Marshall
Copyeditor: Tom Bedford British Library Cataloguing in Publication data
Proofreader: Sharon Cawood
Indexer: C&M Digitals (P) Ltd, Chennai, India A catalogue record for this book is available from
Marketing manager: Maria Omena the British Library
Cover design: Sheila Tong
Typeset by: C&M Digitals (P) Ltd, Chennai, India
Printed in the UK

ISBN 978-1-5297-6893-0
ISBN 978-1-5297-6892-3 (pbk)

At Sage we take sustainability seriously. Most of our products are printed in the UK using responsibly sourced papers
and boards. When we print overseas we ensure sustainable papers are used as measured by the Paper Chain Project
grading system. We undertake an annual audit to monitor our sustainability.

00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 4 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM

 For Sam, Rosa, Grace, Louie and Ike.
Keep growing, learning and embracing all that life presents you with.

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 6 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM
 Contents

Prologue ix
Who is this book for? xi
Who we are xiii
Acknowledgements xv

1 Welcome to Welldoing 1
2 Cognitively comfy learning: Manage your environment to boost
your learning potential 15
3 Time and task savvy learning: Adapt and flex your schedule for
efficient learning 33
4 Stress-free learning (well almost!): Pro-actively manage your varied
life demands and reduce unnecessary stress 49
5 Reader’s and writer’s block: Adapt how you interact with the page to get
started with reading and writing tasks 71
6 Recipes for planning and writing: Handy recipes to help you successfully
cook up great pieces of writing 95
7 The revision elevator: Give your revision a lift! 123
8 Walking a tightrope: The safety net approach to thriving rather than
surviving when public speaking 145
9 The hurdle-free approach to group work: Anticipate, plan for and manage
the challenges of working with others 159
10 Tempting templates: Example templates to help you put Welldoing into
practice 171

References 199
Glossary 203
Index 205

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 8 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM
 Prologue

Learners often think that their teachers are their greatest resource; whilst writing this
book, we have frequently been reminded that, as teachers, our learners are our great-
est resource. Many of the tried-and-tested Welldoing strategies included in this book
are the result of working with a diverse range of students over a number of years.
These students have developed strategies, or adapted those that we have shared with
them, in response to things that they have found challenging. We have been truly
humbled by the scope and sheer creativity of the Welldoing strategies our students
have generated. This breadth of shared experience has really enabled us to consoli-
date Welldoing and subsequently promote a much more flexible, holistic and
sustainable approach to overcoming barriers we all face.
Whilst Welldoing can help us all to better manage the pressures of learning, we
must highlight that this is not a therapeutic book. Although we are teachers, we are not,
for example, qualified medical professionals, psychologists or psychotherapists. This
book is intended to help you to identify and use strategies to manage your multi-faceted
life before life becomes too much and you become unwell. Therefore, if you are at the
point where you need professional help, medical attention or have been referred to any
medical services in order to manage your wellbeing, it is important to use these services
and access specialised professional support. You may find that the advice you receive
from health professionals, when you work with them, can be used in conjunction with
the strategies in this book.
We have used many of the Welldoing strategies outlined in this book to support
our own learning and working; using them has helped us to produce the book itself!
There have been many occasions where we have hit a brick wall, felt unable to move
forward, doubted ourselves and struggled to stay motivated. We have also all strug-
gled to juggle writing with our busy, multi-faceted lives. We are sure many of you can
relate to these feelings when facing your own challenges. Time and time again, we
had to remind ourselves to return to the very focus of the book and to try different ways
of working. We had to remind ourselves not to be afraid to step away and to employ
a different or more flexible approach when the way in which we were working had
actually stopped working.

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 x Prologue

Through our shared experience of working together, we have not only been able
to broaden our toolkits and share our strategies, but we have learnt the importance
of frequently reminding one another to think flexibly and holistically in order to effec-
tively problem-solve the hurdles that we face. The most important thing that has been
reinforced for us in creating this book is that, actually, there is no ideal or specific
way of approaching or completing tasks – and also that the initial approaches we
adopt often need to flex and change as we progress. We are very grateful for the
many colleagues and students who have encouraged us to practise what we preach
by thinking outside the box, challenging what we already know and take for granted,
and rethinking our ability to overcome some of the common challenges that we all
face on a daily basis. Therefore, we encourage you to free yourself up to also think
in this more flexible, holistic way and to adopt this Welldoing approach for yourself.

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 Who is this book for?

This book is primarily aimed at students, whether you are studying at university, col-
lege or school. The Welldoing approach works for all students and subject
disciplines and is applicable throughout your journey as a learner from GCSE to post-
graduate study. Welldoing supports our wellbeing through the very things that we do,
whether that be learning, working or even managing our day-to-day lives. It helps us to
remain conscious of maintaining our wellbeing, even during stressful and busy periods
in our life, by actively considering how we approach tasks. The Welldoing strategies
within this book will support you to actively overcome a range of challenges that you
might be facing with your learning and wellbeing, be it the way you tackle an assign-
ment, juggle pending deadlines or consider healthy sleep solutions. But they can also
simply be used to help you to study smarter. Whilst the Welldoing strategies primarily
focus on learning in this book, many can be applied to other areas of life beyond the
classroom. Therefore, the Welldoing approach provides more than a manual for study;
it introduces a range of transferable strategies to help to ensure that you thrive at home
and at work as well as at school, college or university: to think, learn and be well.
This book is also useful for a range of people whose role it is to support stu-
dents with their learning, primarily teachers and parents.
Busy teachers who are interested in promoting more inclusive approaches to
learning in their classrooms, but perhaps don’t know where to start, can benefit from
bringing the Welldoing approach into their classrooms. The Welldoing strategies in this
book can be introduced to students gradually, modelled by the teacher, and scaffolded
in order to help students develop independence, greater resilience and self-regulation.
The Welldoing approach recognises that students play a vital role in developing inclu-
sive classrooms and steers students towards healthy habits for learning, studying and
relaxing. Finally, teachers may also find the book a useful tool to manage their own hefty
workload and juggle work–life balance in a Welldoing way.
We feel there are very few learning and study-related books that directly help par-
ents to support their children’s learning. As busy mums, we ourselves have all been
faced with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to help and support our family’s
education, but have not always had the time or know-how to do this. Therefore, we
hope that the Welldoing strategies in this book provide an accessible, helpful and
solution-focused approach that parents can draw on to support their children to thrive
and become the best versions of themselves in the Welldoing way.

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 12 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM
 Who we are

Abby has extensive experience in mentoring and tutoring students in secondary,

further and higher education. She currently works as the Assessment and Feedback
Development Lead at the University of Bath’s Centre for Learning and Teaching, support-
ing the development of teaching, learning and assessment. She has a background in
inclusive education and experience in supporting student wellbeing both within and
beyond the curriculum. Abby also works as an educational consultant, most recently
working with Cambridge Assessment International Education, developing educational
guidance for international teachers.

Karen has a number of years’ experience teaching in UK secondary schools and tutor-
ing students. She is currently a Lecturer in Education at the University of Bath and
Director of Studies for the Education with Psychology degree. She also works as an
education consultant designing learning materials for students, as well as professional
development workshops for teaching staff. She has created BBC Bitesize revision
resources for secondary school students, conducted research projects with the University
of Cambridge, as well as worked as a teacher trainer and resource developer for
Cambridge Assessment International Education and Cambridge University Press.

Loti is a Special Educational Needs (SEN) specialist teacher within a mainstream

secondary school, delivering Alternative Provision to a range of vulnerable, disadvan-
taged and SEN students. With a degree in Illustration and Graphics, she applies her
visual way of seeing the world to produce supporting academic materials and pasto-
ral guides within her department. Loti has worked for over two decades in teaching,
working as an art specialist within a SEN setting, as a secondary school SEN coordi-
nator and as an art teacher delivering GCSE and A level teaching. Recently she has
combined both skill sets to deliver Art as an Alternative Provision, with a focus on
mentoring, social and life skills.

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 14 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM
 Acknowledgements

First and foremost, we would like to thank all of the students we have worked with over
the years. Without your foresight, creativity and resilience, this book would not have
been possible.
We would also like to thank our friends and colleagues, Paul Ellis, Jo Hatt, Liz
Beavan and Frances Wood. Without your encouragement and support, we would not
have been able to finish this book. Thanks to Kate, Sahar and Nicola at Sage for your
patience and invaluable guidance.
Thanks finally to our families and friends for the motivational reminders and for
accepting that we may not have always had the time and capacity to be there fully
for you when immersed in the writing of this book. We also have to acknowledge the
four-legged members of our families for keeping us grounded and reminding us of
what is truly important.

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00_OSBORNE_FM_00.indd 16 27-Sep-23 12:20:37 PM
 1

Welcome to Welldoing

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 1 27-Sep-23 12:20:41 PM

 2 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

From wellbeing to Welldoing: What is Welldoing and how is it

different from wellbeing?
Wellbeing is something we are all becoming increasingly aware of, whether this is in
the form of taking time out for ourselves, being more mindful or putting in place good
habits to reduce our stress levels. Yet, in spite of this increasing recognition, wellbeing
is still frequently regarded as something that sits outside of or beyond learning, as an
antidote to the pressures and strains of study that we all experience.
Whilst wellbeing practices such as mindfulness, exercise and healthy nutrition are
important steps in ensuring good mental health, we believe that we can do even more
to support our wellbeing by adapting the very ways in which we learn, think and study.
Welldoing exists at the intersection between wellbeing and learning (Figure 1.1).
We can manage our wellbeing through the very ways in which we learn and vice
versa. Welldoing is essentially about tailoring, adapting and refining the way in which
we approach or ‘do’ tasks, allowing this to shift and fluctuate depending on our context,
what we need to achieve or how we might be feeling.

Figure 1.1 What is Welldoing?

CAPTION: Welldoing exists at the intersection between wellbeing and learning.

Why is the Welldoing approach important and

how will it help you?
1. Welldoing promotes effective learning which is tailored to work for you
and adapted to your changing needs.
As a society we often have ideal ways of conceptualising how we should best learn. As
an example, we may default to assuming that the best place to learn is at a desk with
bright lighting, a clear space and silence, but this working setup might not always suit our

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 2 27-Sep-23 12:20:41 PM

 Welcome to Welldoing 3

needs or requirements. By embracing Welldoing and therefore by being more flexible in

our approach and opening ourselves up to different methods and modes of working, we
can begin to take greater control of our learning, identifying what works for us. Building
on this, we can evolve our own personalised, highly adaptive toolkit, which can be
applied to multiple working and learning contexts. Just as an artist mixes colours to find
the right shade or hue, Welldoing embraces a creative approach to make learning work
for each of us.

2. Welldoing can help you to overcome commonly experienced barriers to

learning.

There are numerous barriers that students face with their learning, and although these
barriers vary from student to student there are many things that we have found are quite
common. Welldoing can give you the toolkit to overcome these barriers independently and
therefore take greater control of your learning. For example, perhaps there were things you
were afraid to ask or were never explicitly told at school (how to plan your work, how to
write a paragraph), or things you were told were important (‘be organised’ or ‘manage
your time’) but were never told how to do this. Welldoing provides you with options, offer-
ing multiple means of overcoming challenges, rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. Look
at the Contents to see the range of areas this Welldoing book covers, from managing stress,
to planning and writing, to efficient revision approaches and how to work efficiently and
effectively in groups, plus many others.

3. Welldoing offers a transferable approach beyond the classroom to help

us to manage every­day thinking, working and living.

The Welldoing approach can be used to help us reflect on how we approach tasks in
multiple areas of our lives. It can also help us to actively draw on strategies used in one
area of our lives to help us manage other areas which we might be finding challenging.
For example, if you feel that you could be better at organising your studies, Welldoing
encourages you to reflect on areas of your life where you have put in place or developed
effective strategies to support organisation: If you’re someone who finds it easier to tidy
and clean your room or home by breaking this down into manageable steps, you may find
this approach is also applicable to your studies and that breaking down assignment- or
revision-related tasks in the same way enables you to make it manageable, boost your
motivation and enable you to see progress.

Therefore, most of the strategies outlined in this book are applicable to a range of
contexts beyond that of the world of study. Look at the Welldoing4home
and Welldoing4work explanations in The Welldoing toolkit section starting
on page 7, and whilst using the book keep an eye out for the Welldoing4home
and Welldoing4work icons.

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 4 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Key features to help you navigate the book’s chapters

Here we briefly outline the key features that you will see in every chapter.

Is this chapter for me?

Each chapter begins with a few questions you can ask yourself to see if the chap-
ter covers Welldoing strategies which are likely to be useful to you. Remember
that even if a chapter does not seem relevant to you at the moment, this may
change over time. Learning (and life) can present different hurdles as our cir-
cumstances change. It is also worth noting that even if a chapter does not seem immediately
useful to you, it may still contain some potentially useful strategies, as explained in How to
use this book: Make this book your own! below.

The big picture

The big picture sets the scene for each chapter and will give you an overview of
what the focus of the chapter will be. We outline the key challenges students
often face linked to the chapter’s focus, before setting out how we will draw on
the Welldoing approach to help you problem-solve and find creative solutions
to effectively overcome these challenges.

Check in on your Welldoing…

We have included a number of opportunities to Check in on your Welldoing
throughout the book. These features provide you with the chance to take
stock and really reflect on the overall Welldoing focus of the chapter or sec-
tion in relation to your own needs and situation.

Pause for thought

Peppered throughout the chapters, the Pause for thought feature offers you
a chance to stop and think about how specific Welldoing strategies that have
just been shared could apply to your own context.

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 Welcome to Welldoing 5

Student voices

‘ Throughout the book, you will find quotes from real-life students who we have
had the pleasure of working with (and learning from). This has allowed us to

’
capture and share with you students’ lived experiences of applying the Welldoing
approach and strategies as a way to overcome their own working and learning
challenges.

Bear in mind
The Bear in mind feature provides a useful reminder that sometimes a new
approach or way of working, although useful, might also come with a small
caveat; some strategies might, in certain circumstances, impact on the way we
do things or come with certain stipulations. When we change the way we do
something in any area of our lives, this change needs to be thought about so
that we get the most out of it. Whilst the Welldoing strategies encourage small tweaks
to the way we approach things, we want you to think about what is working for you
to make sure that the Welldoing approach helps you to embrace Welldoing in your
own way.

Key take aways

This feature summarises the chapter in a few bullet points, highlighting the
chapter’s key messages and take aways. Use this feature as a quick reminder or
recap of what the chapter has covered, or when you need a quick refresher if
you are returning to a chapter you have read previously.

The authors’ approach to Welldoing

This feature gives you an insight into how we, the authors, use the Welldoing
strategies in our own work and home lives, demonstrating the universal
nature of Welldoing as a tool which can help us all to thrive. It will also
give you a sense of how we constantly make adaptions to the way we work;
indeed, we don’t think that we would have been able to write this book
without drawing on the approach ourselves.

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 6 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

My blank canvas
Each My blank canvas feature includes a blank space on the page
to encourage you to Pick and mix and Develop your combo (see
Welldoing toolkit) of particular Welldoing strategies and ideas
which may be of use to you and that you would like to try, explore and potentially revisit – even
from other chapters. Just as an artist mixes colours on a paint pallet to get just the right shade
or hue of a colour, we encourage you to be creative, bold and explore what works for you.
We also encourage you to use the My blank canvas spaces to revisit, review and
refine those strategies which might be most useful to you. Even when we find a new strat-
egy, we often default back to what we know because we are creatures of habit, even when
this may no longer be helpful to us (Hora and Oleson, 2017; Sauvé et al., 2016). Ironically,
we sometimes overlook or forget strategies when we need them most. Therefore, use the
My blank canvas spaces to help remind you to revisit and refine your approaches to
Welldoing.
Do also add your own strategies; whilst we have tried to provide a number of different
approaches to tackling common challenges, we recognise that the number of Welldoing strate-
gies is in no way limited to what we have managed to capture within this book. We are con-
stantly adding to our own repertoire, through personal reflection as well as through working
with students, and we are never more excited than when we find a new and creative way of
overcoming a challenge.
We have also added a template in Chapter 10 for you to pull together all your
favourite Welldoing strategies from across the book into one space. See our tempting
Template 22: Welldoing your way!
If you have your own tried-and-tested Welldoing strategies that you would like to share
with us, please use the hashtag #Welldoing. Welldoing as an approach works best when
we work together, share ideas and support one another to be the most effective versions of
ourselves.

Further resources
This feature will signpost you to further resources which may be of interest to
you. Where relevant, we will also signpost you to further services which may be
able to provide additional guidance and support.

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 6 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 Welcome to Welldoing 7

The Welldoing toolkit

Before you begin exploring our Welldoing strategies, we would like to introduce you to
the Welldoing toolkit. The Welldoing toolkit is designed to work alongside the Welldoing
strategies which are outlined throughout the book’s chapters; the toolkit will enable you
to better tailor and adapt the strategies to suit your way of working, as well as giving
you greater confidence to also decide and discard what doesn’t work for you.
Look out for the following Welldoing toolkit icons when exploring the book.
Remember that, whilst the strategies themselves within each chapter are important,
even more fundamental to the Welldoing approach is learning how to best combine
and adapt the strategies to overcome any hurdles we may face.

Pick and mix

A really fundamental but often overlooked aspect of learning is that we

need to identify what doesn’t work for us as much as what does. This
book will introduce you to numerous strategies to tackle various
aspects of your learning, working and everyday life, but it is
important to remember to select those strategies that work for you.
We may find that different strategies work at different times or in
different contexts; a fundamental aspect of the Welldoing approach is
to Pick and mix the Welldoing strategies, just as you would with a
selection of sweets: use the strategies which you feel most suit your needs and feel free
to leave behind those that are not helpful to you.
It is also worth remembering that sometimes we may have a way of working or
learning that has become a habit, a go-to approach for us that feels like it works
every time or has become our default as we have never really explored any other
options. Remember to be open-minded when you Pick and mix your strategies
as sometimes our needs change and an approach that may have worked for us in
the past may stop working – and vice versa.

Develop your combo

Also fundamental to Welldoing is our ability to combine and layer

different strategies. Although many of the Welldoing strategies in
this book can stand alone, in order for them to be most impactful it
is often best to combine them with others. This might include build-
ing your combo of strategies outlined within one chapter or section,

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 7 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 8 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

or working across chapters to combine them in a way that works for you. The possi-
bilities are endless!
Think about the analogy of when we order a burger; we all have our personal
combination or combo of ingredients and toppings that we like to layer up in different
amounts or quantities to build our favourite, tasty burger. It is exactly the same when
using the Welldoing approach and choosing and combining Welldoing strategies.
Remember that your combo may be different depending on your needs or circum-
stances, and also that this can shift over time. There is no limit to how personalised
your combos can be, or even how often they might need to change.

Turn up (or down!) the dial

Turning up (or down) the dial is another tool for supporting us to think,
learn and work more flexibly. This aspect of the Welldoing toolkit
relates to our ability to alter or adapt the amount we may be using
a Welldoing strategy. Sometimes we can assume that a strategy
does not work for us, but adapting the extent to which we use the
strategy is also really important. As an example, if we realise that
light is important to us and affects our motivation and focus, we
might find that by adapting the actual level of light or even changing
the light hue, we can also increase our motivation and focus. Therefore, don’t be afraid
to Turn up the dial (or turn it down) when testing out the Welldoing strategies, in order
to get a more nuanced understanding of how you work and learn best.

Welldoing4home and Welldoing4work

It can be easy to think that we require a very different set of strate-

gies or skills in different areas of our lives. Therefore, it’s not
unusual for us to separate out groups of skills into those that we
think are study related, those that link to our employment and
working lives, and the whole range of strategies which we use to
manage our home lives. However, there is much more overlap
between these strategies than we might first realise; central to the
Welldoing approach is the recognition that if we identify Welldoing strate-
gies which work for study or which work for us whilst we’re employed, frequently
these strategies can shift and be adapted so that we can apply them in multiple
contexts. Actively considering the transferability of Welldoing strategies between multiple
different contexts also better enables us to cement effective working habits. This is really

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 8 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 Welcome to Welldoing 9

important because it can be very difficult to cement new behaviours or habits without
revisiting them multiple times; we may default back to strategies that we have used
previously but that actually aren’t particularly efficient, effective or sustainable.
Therefore, when exploring the strategies outlined in this book we would encourage
you to try and break down some of the artificial distinctions we naturally make
between the skills we believe we need for study, employment or day-to-day life.
Instead, think about the strategies as being much more adaptive, flexible and transfer-
able. As an example, you may have Picked, mixed and developed a Combo of
strategies, such as using a table for assignment planning combined with some colour
coding to group the different points you want to make. As well as providing a useful
method for working on an assignment, these Welldoing strategies could equally be
effectively used in the workplace when planning a report that you have to produce or
when preparing to deliver a presentation or speech. Furthermore, the same strategies
could just as effectively be applied in your home life if you’re trying to plan a trip
abroad or an event you are organising.

Common sensory approach

Throughout this book, we make reference to the importance of our

environment and demonstrate how this can subtly shape and impact
on our ability to think, learn and work. We all use our senses to
make sense of the world around us: our sight, hearing, touch,
taste and smell directly influence how we perceive and interact
with both our environment and other people. In spite of this, we
often overlook how significant our senses can be in shaping and
boosting our learning potential.
We would encourage you to apply a Common sensory
approach and reflect on how you can use your senses to better har-
ness your environment to boost motivation, concentration and focus.
Whilst you will find numerous strategies throughout the book which draw on our
common sensory approach, we have also included it here as part of the Welldoing
toolkit; this approach works well when combined with other strategies and is an
essential ingredient in building our tailored approach to smart thinking, learning and
working.
Don’t be afraid to go beyond an often idealised version of what a ‘good’ learn-
ing environment may look like; whilst some us may thrive when we have a clear
desk, bright lighting and silence, many of us may benefit from making tweaks to our
learning environment which actually challenge the status quo; if you find loud music,
getting snug in a blanket or having the television on in the background actually
helps you to focus, then don’t be afraid to embrace this.

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 9 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 10 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Micro and macro levels

Many of the Welldoing strategies can be applied at both a macro

and micro level. For example, you might find the strategy of
Breaking-down tasks helpful at a macro level when juggling
tasks that you need to complete across various parts of your life
linked to your study, work and home. At the same time, you can
apply the same strategy at a micro level, when breaking down the
steps you need to finish off a piece of work or task you are working on.
In other words, what makes the strategy of breaking down most powerful is the
transferable nature of the approach and its ability to help us make any area of our
lives more manageable. When you find a strategy that is particularly useful, consider
whether you can apply this in different contexts, as described in Welldoing4home
and Welldoing4work, as well as whether you can apply it in its broadest sense or
in a way that is very focused and specific.

SOS: Save our spoons

Central to the Welldoing approach is our ability to save our energies and harness
this efficiently so that we achieve our goals in a way that is sustainable. For
multiple reasons, it is quite normal to find that some days we may feel
we have more energy than others, but this fluctuating level of
energy is hard to conceptualise, keep track of and measure.
Which brings us to ‘spoons’.
The Spoons Theory was created by Christine Miserandino to describe the
challenge of managing day-to-day life with a limited amount of energy associated
with chronic illness (Miserandino, 2020). The Spoons Theory has provided an invalu-
able tool to thousands of individuals who need to think carefully about the energy that
they are able to expend, whether this is linked to a chronic health condition, disability
or other life circumstances beyond their control. The theory has also gained increasing
attention as a useful tool to help us all better regulate the energy available to us.
The analogy of spoons as finite ‘blocks’ of energy has really helped to provide
us, the authors, with a useful, everyday metaphor for expressing the energy available
to us as something more tangible that we can learn to plan for, regulate and control.
Communicating how many spoons we’ve had to one another has been vital for com-
pleting this book!
Spoons are therefore central to the Welldoing approach and enable us to expend
our energy in a way that is effective, impactful and sustainable, so we want to share
the spoons approach with you so that you can also use it as part of your Welldoing
toolkit.

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 10 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 Welcome to Welldoing 11

Thinking in terms of tangible ‘spoons’ can remind us to try and conserve our ener-
gies and develop more sustainable approaches to learning, working and living. Many
of the Welldoing strategies explored throughout the book will help you to save your
spoons, whether this is in the form of employing smart working habits, increasing
your awareness of your environment and how it might affect how energised you feel
or learning when to take a step back, recharge and recuperate when necessary.

How to use this book: Make this book your own!

This book can be read from start to finish like a traditional book. Or it can be read
more fluidly; feel free to dip in and out of the text in any order, read whole chapters
in one sitting, or just spend five minutes looking at one or two strategies.

A holistic approach

Whilst this book comprises distinct chapters, each with its own key focus on a com-
mon challenge linked to learning and study, it is really important to develop a holistic
approach to problem-solving the hurdles that we might face. Use the Contents page
and chapter headings as a guide to signpost you to specific areas you may want to
tackle, but remember that, at its most effective, this book will be most useful to you if
you think outside the box and explore strategies that perhaps you might not immedi-
ately associate with the specific challenge you face. For example, if you have picked
up this book because you’d like to develop some effective strategies for managing
the pressures of presenting, your first thought might be to head straight to the chapter
that tackles this. To really benefit, however, it is important to recognise that almost
every challenge you face is made up of multiple smaller hurdles. Thus, only looking
at the Walking a tightrope chapter might not fully support you with addressing
this challenge. When you are faced with managing the pressures of presenting, dip-
ping into the chapter related to this challenge will be helpful but (although it may not
immediately seem like an obvious approach) you may also find it useful to look at
some of the Welldoing strategies outlined in Stress-free learning (well almost!)
or in Cognitively comfy learning.

Templates

As well as the Check in on your Welldoing, Pause for thought and My

blank canvas features that are included within the main chapters, we have

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 11 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 12 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

included a Templates chapter at the end of the book. This provides you with example
templates aimed at helping you with every aspect of learning, from planning for an
assignment to revising for a test. These templates have been tried and tested and used
by a diverse range of students. However, we encourage you to adapt them as
needed and make them your own to fully embrace the Welldoing approach. Adapting
the templates will help you to ensure that they work as effectively as possible to scaf-
fold your thinking and learning. And remember, a template to support your thinking
for planning for an assignment may also be easily adapted to help you in an employ-
ment context or to manage an aspect of your home life.

Revisit, remind, review

Don’t forget to keep returning to the book. This is central to the Welldoing approach.
In order to cement effective and sustainable ways of thinking, learning, living and
working, it is important to keep going back and revisiting strategies so that they
become habitual. We are only human and with the best will in the world, we often
forget to revisit those strategies that have been useful to us in the past.
We also might find that we simply forget to draw on effective strategies when we
need them most. There is always so much going on in our lives, we can easily forget
the power of reminding ourselves of things we have done in the past that have
worked – we have just moved on and gradually forgotten about them. We have
included a specific template in Chapter 10 to help you carve out a space where you
can make a note of the strategies, so that they are gathered together for when you
need them most. See Template 23 as a reminder to Take your Welldoing up a
level when you might need it most.
As we say throughout the book, review the strategies and work out what works
for you at a specific point in your studies, home life or work. Remember to tweak the
strategies you use to reflect your ever-changing circumstances.
Therefore, follow our mantra when using the Welldoing approach: revisit,
remind, review to make Welldoing work for you!

So make this book your own!

We encourage you to move freely through the book, drawing on the Welldoing
toolkit by Pick and mixing and Developing your combo across the chapters
to develop a Welldoing approach which is just right for you.
Turn up or down the dial when you review and revisit strategies, think about
using strategies at Micro and macro levels, highlight your favourite strategies,

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 12 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 Welcome to Welldoing 13

Develop your combo in creative ways and scribble notes in the spaces that we
have provided – or anywhere you like really!
Use the book in a way that is helpful for you and which supports you and your
own personal Welldoing.

Finding a pathway through the book: Signposted routes

for getting started when you feel lost and are not sure
where to begin
If you really are not sure where to start, we have mapped out some possible
routes through the book based on challenges which students have commonly
identified. If you think you want to perfect the art of not being a
perfectionist or would like a helping hand with overcoming infor-
mation overload and analysis paralysis, then our suggested
signposted routes below might provide you with a useful start-
ing point for developing a Combo that works for you.
These are suggested routes and it is likely you will work out your
own pathway through the book as you become more confident at
adopting, adapting and applying Welldoing strategies to the varied challenges you face.

Perfect the art of not being a perfectionist! Step right this way…

• Time can be our worst enemy when we are prone to perfectionism! Have a look at
The 4 Ds of do, defer, delegate and delete (Chapter 4) to help you priori-
tise tasks rather than trying to achieve everything. Our strategies, Under promise
and over deliver, Deadlines and targets window and Email delay (all in
Chapter 4) provide a selection of practical approaches to learning to manage the
expectations we place on ourselves.
• Taking note of what you have achieved is really important and can sometimes be easy
to overlook when we are natural perfectionists. Have a look at our Making good
time: Taking note of your progress in Chapter 3 to help you to see everything
you have achieved.
• Our Fear of the blank page strategies (Chapter 5) can help to free you up
when starting work, particularly if you feel pressure to produce perfect work as soon
as you start writing.
• If your perfectionism leads to over-thinking and over-worrying, you might find it useful
to look at our Worry management strategies, as well as our Welldoing approach
to active relaxing in Chapter 4 to help you to switch off and unwind.
• We also recommend checking the If something’s worth doing, it’s (sometimes)
worth doing less well! strategy in Chapter 4 and combining this with our
Save our spoons approach to Welldoing throughout the book.

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 13 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 14 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Overcoming analysis paralysis: Step right this way…

• Take a look at Chapter 2: Cognitively comfy learning. This will help you to
utilise and harness your senses and your environment to maximum effect to reduce
your analysis paralysis.
• Our Fear of the blank page strategies (Chapter 5) will help you to overcome
over-thinking the process of getting started.
• You might also like to try our recipe for Making, planning and writing a
piece of CAKE in Chapter 6 to help you break down the stages of planning and
writing.
• If reading sparks your analysis paralysis, you may also like to try our Reading
shopping baskets and shopping lists (Chapter 6) as well as our Zoom
reading strategies in Chapter 5.
• If your analysis paralysis leads you to over-think and worry, you might find our
Worry management strategies in Chapter 4 provide a useful starting point.

Prevent the procrastination: Step right this way…

• Making sure you are Cognitively comfy is vital. Take a look at the strategies in
Chapter 2 to help you Move, Manage and Micro-manage your environment so
you give yourself the best possible chance of connecting with your work.
• Our Dabble technique in Chapter 3 is a procrastinator’s dream! Combine this with
the Breaking it down and Quick wins strategies, also in Chapter 3, for maximum
effect.
• Take a look at our strategies for Managing pace in Chapter 3 – sometimes
adrenaline builds nearer a deadline which makes it easier to kick start your work.

How to get over over-thinking and over-worrying: Step right this way…

• Try our Cognitively comfy learning strategies in Chapter 2. This will help you to
harness your environment to better ground you, with the right sensory inputs helping you
to spend less time in your head. Combine this with our Active relaxing (Chapter 4)
strategies for maximum impact.
• If you are prone to worry and find this impacts on your everyday life including your
studies, then have a look at our Worry management strategies in Chapter 4.
• Our Safety nets to thriving rather than surviving public speaking and presenting
(Chapter 8) and our Hurdle free approach to group work (Chapter 9) will help you to
actively manage any worries you are experiencing linked to working with others.

01_OSBORNE_CH_01.indd 14 27-Sep-23 12:20:42 PM

 2

Cognitively
comfy learning
Manage your environment to
boost your learning potential

Is this chapter for me?

• Does the environment you are working in sometimes make it hard to
focus on the task you want to be getting on with?
• Do you often find yourself zoning out, getting distracted or daydreaming
when trying to study?
• Are you sensitive to certain sounds, textures, smells and tastes?

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 15 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 16 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Cognitively comfy learning: The big picture

Comfy and learning may not be words that you would immediately associate with
one another. After all, sometimes learning can feel anything but comfortable as
we find ourselves having to grapple with new ideas, work towards an endless
series of deadlines and juggle conflicting pressures. We can also feel like we have
very little control in terms of the content we must cover, the assignments we are set and the
time we are given to work in.
We may also feel like we have little control over where we work and learn, assuming
there is a commonly accepted ideal approach which is set in stone. If this ‘ideal way’ is
not effective, we can quickly begin to internalise this as something that is wrong with us
rather than the problem being associated with the way of working.
When visualising the ‘ideal’ environment for study, we often envisage a classroom,
library or quiet space at home where we are sat at a brightly lit desk. When thinking of this
ideal space, we tend to focus on our physical ‘comfort’, such as supporting our posture or
avoiding straining our eyes. But, in doing so, we can inadvertently overlook our ‘cognitive’
comfort, which is equally important; our environment can also impact on the way we use
our brains to think and learn. This ‘ideal’ therefore may not be comfy for us all of the time.
By focusing on our senses, we can better understand what aspects of our environment
distract (and focus!) us, adapting our surroundings to create optimum conditions for us to
learn, work and thrive.

In this chapter, we will introduce you to a range of practical strategies to help you to:

• Better Manage or Micro-manage your environment to increase your sense of con-

trol, boost your motivation and remain focused (Manage your environment and
Micro-manage your environment).
• Move to a new environment altogether, when possible, in order to harness your
‘ideal’ conditions for learning.

Don’t forget to think about how you can apply all of the different tools you have avail-
able to you from the Welldoing toolkit when you are considering the strategies in this
chapter.

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 16 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 Cognitively comfy learning 17

Student voices

‘
I always felt ashamed of my inability to work effectively in traditional learning
spaces. After utilising the Cognitively comfy learning strategies and altering
my environment to fit what works best for me, my comprehension, focus and reten-

’
tion have drastically improved, and I’ve never felt more confident in my learning.
Kenna, MSc Management with Marketing, USA

Check in on your Welldoing… How do

your senses affect you?
Before we begin to adapt our environment, it is useful to reflect on the link
between our environment and us.
Some of us might feel more (or less) affected by particular senses – we might
have a heightened awareness of our surroundings linked to our sense of sight,
or get easily distracted by sound. This is different for everyone and can fluctuate
depending on many factors. For example, as stress increases, we may become more or less
aware of our environment and might start to notice things that we’re not normally aware of,
such as the ticking of a clock, the tapping of someone’s fingers on a keyboard or the bright-
ness of a light. These sensory stressors can make us feel even more stressed, further discon-
necting us from our work and interrupting or interfering with our learning (Gallwey, 1974).
Take a moment to reflect on which, if any, of your senses particularly affect you – either
reflect on how you feel in the environment you are in right now or think of a time where your
awareness of your environment was heightened (or reduced). The sensory wheel (see Figure 2.1)
might also help you to consider whether certain senses are more or less heightened for you.
Make a note of any sensory issues/indicators you have noticed (feel free to use our Common-
sensory approach to Welldoing template in Chapter 10).
Have you noticed any patterns? The patterns could relate to the senses themselves (e.g.
heightened awareness of sounds or smells), where you are or how stressed you are feeling.
Do you notice that:

• clothing labels can feel prickly?

• clothes can feel too tight, such as jeans or your socks?
• certain textures of food are not pleasant?
• certain fabrics feel restrictive or uncomfortable?
• certain textures of surfaces feel funny to touch?
(Continued)

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 17 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 18 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

• bright lights or very white lighting can overwhelm you or make you feel anxious?
• certain colours are more noticeable to you?
• a busy environment with lots of movement can be distracting or overwhelming?
• the smell of certain foods can be overwhelming?
• certain sounds are more noticeable to you, such as a ticking clock or someone tapping
their pen?

Increasing your awareness of how you are affected by your environment will enable you to
better adapt your environment to support comfy learning.

Figure 2.1 The sensory wheel

CAPTION: Use this wheel to help you to consider whether certain senses are more or less heightened for you.

Bear in mind
Use that dial! As explained in the Welldoing toolkit, you may find it useful to
see how you can apply Welldoing strategies along a continuum. For the Common
sensory approach, you may find it useful to reduce certain sensory triggers which
undermine your ability to study. Likewise, you might find it useful to increase certain
sensory triggers which facilitate your ability to study and use this to actively offset
those sensory triggers which are less helpful. As odd as it may seem, sometimes adding a dis-
traction can have the reverse effect and actually help us to focus more. A carefully chosen and
controlled version of something that normally distracts us can be used to offset other distractions.

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 18 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 Cognitively comfy learning 19

Manage your environment

The following cognitively comfy learning Manage your environment strategies

enable you to personalise and adapt your environment, harnessing your senses to
provide you with greater control of your surroundings. The strategies have been
grouped under the five senses so you can easily locate those that might work best for
you; however, don’t forget that you can Pick and mix, Develop your combo and
Turn up (or down!) the dial for many of the strategies for your different senses.

Touch

Snug learning

Depending on the type of work you are doing, Snug learning can be a powerful way
of freeing up your thinking. Think of it as cushioning for the brain! If working at a desk,
could you try putting on slippers or thick slipper socks, or cocoon yourself by wrap-
ping up in a blanket or dressing gown whilst you work? You might find working on a
comfy chair or even in bed helps to ground and focus your learning.

Turn up (or down) the heat

Sometimes temperature can affect our ability to work. Could changing the temperature
of the room or of your immediate surroundings help you to focus? You might like to try
opening a window to adjust the room temperature. If you like the Snug learning
strategy above you could try placing a hot water bottle or heated wheat pack on your
lap, or tumble dry a blanket and wrap up in it whilst you work.

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 19 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 20 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Dress for success

If the feeling of your clothes sometimes distracts you from study, don’t be afraid to alter
or change them. Maybe your jumper is made of a material that feels very itchy so you
could switch to a softer piece of clothing which feels much more comfortable. A label
might be irritating your skin so you might cut it out and remove that distraction. If your
shirt feels too tight, could you put on a loose-fitting hoodie instead?

Increase the pressure

Whilst not an obvious thing to think about, some of us may be affected by weight or
pressure and could harness this to boost focus. This could be in the form of a weighted
blanket, certain clothes which feel heavier or even weighted wrist bands which help
to ground you.

Don’t sit still

We often think of learning as something that happens most when we are stationary,
but we don’t necessarily have to be still to focus our brains and boost our capacity to
work. Sometimes standing, walking, jogging or driving can actually boost our capac-
ity for thinking and generating new ideas (Oppezzo and Schwartz, 2014). Could you
walk and talk to boost your thinking? Could you record your ideas using the voice
recorder on your phone or take a small notebook with you to jot down thoughts?

Tools of the (learning) trade

The very feel of the tools we use for learning can directly shape our ability to work. If
you’re struggling to capture your ideas on the page, something as simple as changing
your pen can be effective – different pens can have a very different ‘feel’ in terms of
their weight, how they feel to hold and how they interact with the page. Likewise,
if you’re working on paper, the texture and even the weight of the paper can influence
your ability to engage – try changing your paper to see if this helps you to engage with
your work more easily. If you’re working on a screen, using a mouse or keyboard that
is right for you could also make your learning more comfy – one mouse or keyboard
can feel very different from another, and this varies from person to person.

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 20 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 Cognitively comfy learning 21

Furry friends

We might spend time with our pets as a way of relaxing, but our furry friends may
actually be able to boost our learning potential as well. Having a pet close by to
stroke and snuggle can provide you with company and ground you whilst you work
(although as I write this my kitten is now blocking my view and sitting on the keys…
note this strategy doesn’t always go to plan!).

Pause for thought

Can you think of any other touch-related strategies that might work for you?

Sight

Light bulb moment

We often think of light in practical terms of being able to see what we are doing. But
light can also be used to boost our focus and help us achieve those lightbulb moments
of learning. Could you adapt the lighting in your working space to better spark your
thinking? Consider whether natural or artificial light might help. Do you have a prefer-
ence for a main light or softer lamp light? As well as the brightness, the actual colour
of the light itself is worth considering; do you work best with a white or yellow hue?
Could you alter the brightness of your screen to see if this boosts your Comfy learning?

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 21 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 22 From Wellbeing to Welldoing

Student voices

‘ I’ve come to realise how vital being Cognitively comfy is for my ability to function,
let alone learn or produce work. Prior to taking this approach, I very much believed I
had to learn to work in certain ways. Since realising that I can control some sensory
input, I can engage more readily with tasks and I’m more effective with them. Since
leaving education, I’ve successfully used this approach in all areas of my life and it’s

’
been hugely effective. Lava lamps are the ‘life-hack’ I recommend to everyone!
Katie, PhD, UK

Life isn’t black and white

Colour can be a fantastic learning tool but can also be a huge distraction if the colours
don’t work for us. A document of black text on a pure white background, digitally or
on paper, might be distracting in itself, potentially resulting in you focusing on the for-
mat of the document, rather than its contents. You could try changing the text colour to
help you to read and process the words more easily. You could also change the colour
of the paper or text background – have a play with colour combinations and colour
contrasts to see what works for you.

Walls of distraction/focus

If our working environment is visually very busy, then this can distract us – there
might be something constantly at the edge of our vision that keeps fighting for our
attention. Can you temporarily take down any posters or things that keep catching
your eye and distracting you? Or cover them up – for example, put a sheet over a
busy bookshelf to ‘neutralise’ that space. Would decluttering your work space or
moving things around in your working area reduce distractions? Alternatively, busy
walls might help boost your focus, motivate or inspire you, depending on your
preference. The key is to shape your surroundings in a way that supports your own
version of Comfy learning.

Find something to set your sights on!

Whilst some people find background movement (such as out of a window or on a

screen) visually distracting, some people can find that this visual movement (particu-
larly if it is repetitive) offers a focus which boosts their thinking and focus. Why not try

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 22 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

 Cognitively comfy learning 23

using a moving screen saver or moving image on a TV such as a flickering fire or

waves? Can you focus on any movements outside of the window, such as passing
traffic or the movement of a tree in the wind? You could also focus on something that
isn’t moving, such as the horizon or an object in the distance.

Pause for thought

Can you think of any other sight-related strategies that might work for you?

Smell

The sweet smell of success

Our sense of smell is an incredibly evocative sense and one which we often overlook,
particularly when it comes to learning. We might be able to recall scents that are very
distracting (like the smell of school lunches!) but we can also use scent as a powerful
medium to boost our learning focus. Our experience of scent can be very personal – one
smell might enhance focus for one person but not another. Could you try lighting a scented
candle or an incense stick which has your favourite scent? Could you replicate certain
scents you might associate with particular environments, such as the seaside or the garden?

A clean slate

Some of us associate the smell of cleaning products and clean clothes with a sense of
newness and fresh beginnings, helping to boost and refocus us. Could you clean your
study space to invigorate your sense of smell, or wear freshly laundered clothes and
breathe in the scent?

02_OSBORNE_CH_02.indd 23 27-Sep-23 12:20:45 PM

Exploring the Variety of Random
Documents with Different Content
The Project Gutenberg eBook of L'absence et
le retour
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States
and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no
restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it
under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this
ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the
United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where
you are located before using this eBook.

Title: L'absence et le retour

Author: Auguste Gilbert de Voisins

Release date: April 24, 2024 [eBook #73454]

Language: French

Original publication: Paris: Bernard Grasset, 1928

Credits: Laurent Vogel and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team

at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from
scanned images of public domain material from the Google
Books project.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK L'ABSENCE ET LE

RETOUR ***
 GILBERT DE VOISINS

L’ABSENCE
ET LE
RETOUR

PARIS
BERNARD GRASSET, ÉDITEUR
61, RUE DES SAINTS-PÈRES, PARIS, 6e
1928
 DU MÊME AUTEUR

A la Librairie Bernard Grasset

Les Moments perdus de John Shag.

Les Miens.

Chez d’autres éditeurs

La petite Angoisse, roman.

Pour l’Amour du Laurier, roman.
Le Démon secret, roman.
Sentiments, critique.
Le Bar de la Fourche, roman.
L’Enfant qui prit peur, roman.
Écrit en Chine.
Le Mirage, roman.
L’Esprit impur, roman.
Fantasques, petits poèmes.
La Conscience dans le Mal, roman.
Le Jour naissant, roman.
 IL A ÉTÉ TIRÉ DE CET OUVRAGE : DANS LE FORMAT IN-
4o TELLIÈRE, CINQ EXEMPLAIRES SUR MONTVAL,
NUMÉROTÉS MONTVAL 1 à 3 ET I et II ; SIX
EXEMPLAIRES SUR ANNAM, NUMÉROTÉS ANNAM 1 à 4
ET I et II ; TREIZE EXEMPLAIRES SUR VÉLIN D’ARCHES,
NUMÉROTÉS ARCHES 1 à 10 ET I à III ; TRENTE ET
UN EXEMPLAIRES SUR VÉLIN PUR FIL LAFUMA,
NUMÉROTÉS 1 à 25 ET I à VI ; ET DANS LE FORMAT
IN-16 COURONNE, TROIS CENT SOIXANTE-DIX
EXEMPLAIRES SUR ALFA OUTHENIN CHALANDRE
NUMÉROTÉS ALFA 1 à 350 ET I à XX.

Tous droits de traduction, de reproduction et d’adaptation réservés pour tous pays.

Copyright by Bernard Grasset, 1928

A L’AUTEUR DE « LA VIE SECRÈTE »
AU GRAND ROMANCIER, MON AMI :
ÉDOUARD ESTAUNIÉ
 L’Absence et le Retour

Lorsque je me repris à vivre un peu, le premier objet dont la

présence me fut révélée eut l’aspect d’un flacon cylindrique de sept
ou huit centimètres de haut, muni d’un bouchon compte-gouttes, à
l’émeri, et qui, sur son flanc, portait une étiquette rouge vif tournant
au cinabre. Il m’occupa longtemps, je pense. Il représentait tout ce
que les philosophes ont coutume d’appeler le monde extérieur.
J’avais éprouvé déjà quelques vagues sensations de lumière, de
parfums et de couleurs ; des sons avaient vibré jusqu’à mon
tympan : l’écho d’une cloche, un coup de sifflet venant peut-être de
la rue, le tambourin des doigts clairs de la pluie sur une vitre, le bruit
sourd d’un meuble roulé, mais je ne savais placer au juste ces
nouveautés dans le temps ni dans l’espace et je dois ruser,
aujourd’hui, pour me les rendre intelligibles à moi-même, tant elles
retournaient vite se fondre dans la nuée obscure de ce demi-
sommeil qui me cloîtrait entre ses parois de velours.
Comment décrire ces choses ?
Des rayonnements, des éclairs, des bouffées, un bourdon grave
et lent, un flux de la pénombre sur l’horizon noir, le reflux d’une
brume striée de jaune qui montait et baissait en moi, si ce n’était au
dehors.
Par quel sens les percevais-je, ces visions odorantes, ces
senteurs sonores, ces musiques teintées, auxquelles la fièvre donnait
un rythme ? Elles ne m’apprenaient rien, en somme, au lieu que ce
petit flacon, je le vis de mes yeux, des yeux de ma face qui, jadis,
admiraient les diverses splendeurs de l’univers et m’en
transmettaient la joie. Toute mon attention se groupa donc autour
du flacon, afin d’étendre et de compléter la vue, comme, dans le
souvenir, un arbre surgi, un seul arbre à mi-côte, fait revivre avant
peu la source, le chemin montant, les roches surplombantes, les
chênes, les marronniers… la vallée entière.
Bientôt après, je m’aperçus que ce flacon étiqueté de cinabre
tenait le milieu d’un carré blanc. Du même coup, mon évasion se
confirma : il me semblait entr’ouvrir la porte de ma geôle. Le
paysage s’élargissait ; j’y prenais en quelque sorte ma place, pour y
jouer un rôle de spectateur.
Allongé sur le côté droit, j’admirais un beau champ de neige,
bordé par des gentianes. Au centre, se dressait le flacon cylindrique,
tout petit et cependant à la mesure du champ de neige, comme doit
être, à celle d’une place urbaine, le monument solitaire qu’elle
entoure. Les gentianes, naïves, très bleues, comme il convient,
semblaient ordonnées à la façon stricte d’une platebande ou des
arbres d’une avenue.
J’avais vu des gentianes en Suisse, en Savoie, en Dauphiné, non
loin de tapis neigeux ; celles-ci étaient semblables et me parurent
familières. Je leur souris… en tous cas, j’eus l’intention, la volonté de
leur sourire.
Du temps passa : minutes ? journées ? semaines ? Comment
savoir ? je n’en avais pas la moindre idée, mais je compris la qualité
réelle de ce champ de neige : de la toile blanche, de la toile blanche
assurément ! une nappe qui recouvrait un guéridon. Les gentianes ?
des pétales de soie…
 Oui, oui ! cette nappe devait être une nappe russe, brodée à son
bord de fleurs bleues.
Oh ! ce fut comme si je m’échappais tout à fait, comme si j’étais
libre, pour tout de bon ! Flacon, nappe brodée, guéridon, l’ensemble
formait bloc, un bloc de choses vraies auquel je m’accrochai soudain,
désespérément mais avec joie, en m’abîmant les ongles.

Encore du nouveau qui, cette fois, ne m’empêchait pas de

souffrir… A certaines heures, je me sentais rôti sur le gril, devant un
terrible feu flambant, et puis un courant froid survenu tranchait ma
chair comme eût fait une lame d’acier. Ce supplice alterné me laissait
un effroi sans nom, pire que l’affreuse peur de l’enfant réveillé dans
l’ombre par un cauchemar qui ne veut pas se dissiper.
Parfois on m’attaquait. Des formes humaines, grossières par leur
dessin et toutes blanches, se penchaient sur moi, me secouaient
méchamment, m’oppressaient la poitrine, me blessaient de mille
façons. Enfin, à des intervalles réguliers, on mettait mon crâne dans
un grand seau plein de glace, tandis que mon corps continuait à
souffrir ailleurs. Cela durait longtemps. Ma cervelle protestait, luttait
contre le froid, refusait de se laisser enfoncer plus avant dans le
seau de glace, jusqu’au moment où (par quel sortilège ?) ma tête,
rendue à mon corps douloureux, se remettait à tiédir.
Un jour, j’aperçus avec netteté une figure, celle d’un jeune
homme aux cheveux bruns, très courts, à la moustache courte aussi.
Il portait un lorgnon. Jamais auparavant, je n’avais vu ce visage
sérieux aux traits tirés. La bouche grave, le regard appuyé que des
verres, pinçant le nez pointu, rendaient immobiles et surtout
l’attention doctorale de ce regard me jetèrent à nouveau dans
l’épouvante et je poussai des cris en me butant à ce visage inconnu,
hostile, par conséquent, et maléficieux.
C’était pourtant là un progrès encore. Je cessai de m’occuper
exclusivement du flacon bouché à l’émeri, de la nappe blanche et
des gentianes, pour me rappeler un peu, très vaguement et comme
un lointain souvenir, ma qualité d’homme vivant dans un monde
d’hommes, puis, quelques instants plus tard, ma qualité d’homme
malade.
Je venais d’être très malade…
Quel éblouissement ! De grands voiles se déchiraient devant moi ;
je concevais les choses plus humainement et dans leurs rapports,
quelques-unes, du moins : un petit nombre. D’autres manquaient,
dont je pressentais l’importance, mais qui ne voulaient pas se laisser
découvrir. Certes, je me souvins de mes derniers mois de travail
excessif, des veilles continuelles, de sommeils courts peuplés de
cauchemars, des interminables journées où je m’acharnais avec
angoisse à finir une besogne toujours renaissante et des migraines
qui m’avaient abattu jusqu’à la stupeur, puis torturé de façon à me
suggérer que la folie ne cessait de me cravacher les tempes que
pour m’éperonner de ses talons de fer. Je me vis même, enfourché
par la folie, une folie tout en rouge qui faisait naître des blessures
inscrites à mes flancs : longues traînées d’un sang aussi rouge que
le manteau de celle à qui je servais de monture.
En somme, je me rappelais très bien avoir souffert, et
diversement, mais une notion capitale manquait à ce souvenir. Je
savais qu’elle manquait, je savais son importance et, peu à peu, une
question se posa dans ma tête, s’y installa : un point d’interrogation
trapu qui suivait par le haut la courbe de mon crâne, traversait en
ligne droite mon front, à distance égale des deux yeux,
verticalement, et prenait naissance dans ma bouche.
« Qui suis-je ? » demandait à ma place le point d’interrogation.
La réponse ne venait pas.
J’ajoutais des questions subsidiaires.
« Qui suis-je ? » signifiait sans doute « qui étais-je ? » mais ce
travail excessif, de quel genre pouvait-il être ? cette besogne toujours
renaissante, à quoi s’appliquait-elle ? Seule la douleur, en ses modes
variés, demeurait certaine ; tout le reste me trahissait. Empereur
d’un petit monde limité dont j’avais fait la découverte, je ne m’étais
pas trouvé encore.
 Le point d’interrogation, bien fixé dans mon crâne, bien installé,
ne bronchait que par la base, par cet autre point, tout petit qu’il
surmonte, point détaché qui gênait ma langue et m’agaçait les
dents. J’en fus vite exaspéré. Je m’efforçai de le cracher, mais en
vain.
Subitement, le supplice cessa et je me revis servant de monture
à la folie, galopant, enfourché par elle, à l’allure d’un cheval emballé.
J’étais en vérité une bête emballée sur le champ de neige ;
cependant, avant peu, j’eus plaisir à voir saigner mes flancs, car les
gouttes ne disparaissaient pas, sitôt tombées. Elles formaient des
taches de plus en plus larges, d’un si beau rouge ! dont la couleur
subsistait, toute fraîche, dessinant ma route. Cela me plut.
J’entraînai mon cavalier le long de l’avenue des gentianes.
Ralentissant, je lui fis faire ensuite le tour du flacon solitaire et,
pressant un peu, l’entraînai sur la neige qui volait en arrière sous
mes coups de sabots. La folie ne me cravachait plus, je ne sentais
pas son éperon. Elle m’encourageait par de petits claquements de
langue, me flattait la tête, me caressait et, une seule fois, m’ayant
arrêté, me donna à manger un morceau de sucre. Je pense bien
qu’il n’en eut ni la forme, ni le goût… mais que donnerait-on d’autre
à son cheval, au cours d’une promenade ?
En outre, je remerciais par devers moi la folie de ne point m’avoir
trop poussé. J’étais une bête fourbue, claquée ; je respirais mal et ce
fut avec un réel plaisir que je trouvai, en fin de course, le repos sur
cette couche qui me servait de lit, sous les yeux d’un homme
penché, très attentif, le nez pincé par un lorgnon.
Ce nez était pointu.
 II

Sans doute, ma promenade de la veille, dans la neige, fut-elle

l’occasion d’une rechute, car mes souvenirs s’arrêtent là, s’oblitèrent
tout à fait. Je ne me rappelle qu’une station immobile, au fond de
l’ombre la plus dense, sans nulle aventure, sans figure penchée sur
moi, sans paysage visible et surtout sans couleurs. La nuit, une nuit
bien close, bien calfeutrée…
C’est une rechute, assurément, et fort sérieuse, mais où l’instant
vécu, l’instant souffert ne comptent pas tout seuls. Je ne sais
pourquoi les événements qui suivent mon internement dans cette
geôle privée de lumière ne se bousculent pas comme ils avaient
l’habitude de faire auparavant. Ils se succèdent de façon plus
normale et certains se placent même dans le passé, prenant figure
de souvenirs, au lieu qu’il y a peu de temps, (hier ? ce matin ?) le
présent seul me décrivait ma vie entière, un présent encombré,
chargé de retouches, de ratures, de notes, de reprises, où le flacon
monumental, le nez au lorgnon, les gentianes, le cheval emballé, les
traces de sang sur la neige, se trouvaient sur le même plan, se
pénétraient, sans que j’eusse la moindre envie de débrouiller tout
cela, ni la notion qu’il pût en être autrement.
Voici que, pour la première fois, je puis distinguer aujourd’hui
d’hier. A vrai dire, demain me paraît encore chargé de suppositions
fort obscures en lesquelles j’ai peur de m’aventurer, mais demain ne
m’occupe guère. Je me repose dans le temps présent, sur quelques
heures d’un passé immédiat où je souffrais moins, me semble-t-il…
L’espoir de ne plus souffrir du tout est absurde. Je l’écarte aussitôt,
pour comparer le mauvais et le pire.

Apprenez donc que je viens, en ouvrant les yeux, de voir un

grand paysage ou, plus exactement, quatre paysages mal conjugués
mais d’un ensemble harmonieux. Je les reconnais, je les considère
avec plaisir, je m’y promène en quelque sorte. Ils sont d’ailleurs
séparés les uns des autres comme le seraient les aspects des quatre
points cardinaux regardés par quatre fenêtres étroites et hautes. Je
ne fais aucun mouvement du corps pour les voir, je ne bouge même
pas la tête ; il me suffit de pencher mon regard vers la droite ou la
gauche et de bien me souvenir. En quelques instants, je m’y
retrouve. Maintenant, je sais en quel lieu du monde je me place.
Combien d’heures me suis-je assis au bord de ce fleuve jaune
aux lourdes eaux ! Des verdures basses descendent jusqu’à la rive
envasée, mais au delà, on n’aperçoit que cette liquide étendue que
rien ne vient interrompre jusqu’à l’horizon. Tout à droite, une jonque
apporte sa note pittoresque. N’est-elle pas, cependant, d’un dessin
trop précis ? Les eaux bourbeuses, le ciel bas, de couleur beige, sont
bien placés aux plans qui leur conviennent, mais la jonque me paraît
avancer un peu plus qu’il ne faut, à cause peut-être des détails de sa
voilure et des cordages…
Passons…
Ce bosquet de bambous est tout près de moi. Ah ! j’entends la
brise dans ses feuilles qui, vers le haut, semblent divisées. A la base,
on devine le bec d’un canard sauvage réfugié dans l’herbe et
d’autres taches, plus petites, se placent adroitement, avec assez de
goût, en somme, pour amuser le regard : une libellule s’agrippe à
l’extrême bout d’une branche, un papillon volant, de couleur crème,
piqueté d’orange, tend ses pattes pour se poser, et la gerbe de fleurs
d’un arbuste voisin, aux corolles violet sombre, se détache de façon
heureuse contre le vert pâle du bambou…
 Passons…
Ici, je vois une masure assez ruineuse. La porte et le seuil sont
d’un curieux dessin. Je n’en dirais pas autant du toit. Certes, il est en
mauvais état, mais la poutre principale qui le soutient paraît d’une
bien singulière perspective. Pourquoi ? Sans doute, parce que ce
paon qui fait la roue appelle d’abord et retient l’attention. La
délicatesse des teintes, ce vert et ce bleu qui voisinent luxueusement
désintéressent de la masure qui demandait à être consolidée ou,
plutôt, vue de façon plus juste, quand bien même la queue déployée
du paon semblerait moins attrayante…
Passons…
Et cette cascade, admirée de tout près et d’en bas…
Quelle idée de se poster ainsi ! Le vent souffle, disais-je ; les
gouttes viendront donc pleuvoir alentour et tremper le spectateur de
la merveille. Que voulez-vous ! cette ruée d’eau claire, issue de la
fente d’un rocher et bordée d’abord de mousses sombres, a trop
d’éclat. On ne se lasse pas de contempler sa courbe, sa légèreté, les
vapeurs qui l’environnent et la dalle noire contre laquelle rejaillit le
fuseau liquide, pour s’épanouir en fleur transparente, en corolle de
cristal dont les volutes décoratives, difficiles à saisir, ont de subtiles
courbes, floues et précises à la fois, d’un charme vraiment chinois…
Passons…
Non ! non ! pour l’amour de Dieu ! ne passons pas !
Qu’importent ces décors, ce fleuve, ce bosquet, cette masure,
ces ondes qui tombent en beauté ! Je me trouve au fond de la
Chine ! Je suis jeune, je m’amuse et, surtout, je connais enfin mon
métier !
C’est moi qui donne ses tons de pourpre au ciel du crépuscule.
C’est moi qui teins de bleu le lac dormant. C’est moi qui rends les
arbres verts, au printemps, qui les roussis, quand l’automne
commence, et qui les dénude, en hiver. C’est moi qui badigeonne
d’un même ton les vastes champs de riz et qui, d’un rouge vif, colore
le bec de l’oiseau qui m’apparut, il y a quelques jours. C’est moi qui
salis l’eau du fleuve et renouvelle les tons des ruisseaux. C’est moi…
Non… j’exagère un peu : plus simplement, je suis peintre.

J’ai tâché de peindre cela qui plaisait à mes yeux, qui leur
procurait du bonheur, qui faisait naître en moi l’ambition de me
l’approprier, qui souvent se composait non sans quelque peine et
m’incitait à rêver diversement. Il me fallait éviter à tout prix d’imiter,
de rappeler de trop près les vieilles peintures chinoises que je
dénichais parfois dans l’arrière-boutique des brocanteurs. Voir par
moi-même, réaliser ma vision pour d’autres que pour moi, donner du
spectacle offert une interprétation vraiment personnelle, tout en
retenant avec soin l’influence de cet arome exotique, parfois
enivrant, qui me forçait à comprendre la nature autrement que je
n’eusse fait les roches, les forêts et la mer de mon pays de
Provence ; en exprimer, pour ainsi dire, la magie par de nouvelles
couleurs, des traits et des arabesques nouveaux… Voilà quel était
mon seul désir.
Quelqu’un vient vers moi : un vieillard à longue barbe blanche,
coiffé d’une calotte de bure, vêtu de façon paysanne, presque à la
mode du pays. Je me lève de mon X et vais au-devant de lui la main
tendue.
« Salut, Père Morbègue ! Vous prédisiez juste. La lumière est
bonne, ce matin : j’ai pu travailler.
— Bonjour, monsieur Michel. Encore à peindre ! Vous finirez par
user tous nos paysages ! »
Le père Morbègue a dit : « Bonjour, monsieur Michel ! » Je me
nomme donc Michel… oui : Michel Duroy.
Ah ! je sais maintenant, pourquoi je me trouve en Chine ! Non
seulement je vois les paysages qui me sont familiers, je les admire
et m’y promène, mais je vois ma propre personne ; je puis la
nommer librement !
 III

Écoutez : je vais tâcher de m’expliquer.

Mon séjour exotique ne fut, en somme, que l’effet d’un heureux
hasard, certes très bienvenu mais qui m’offrait une étrange surprise.
Je me trouvais seul au monde, mes parents étant morts dans la
même année, peu après ma première communion. Ma grand’tante
Valérie me recueillit chez elle et m’éleva. Je ne veux pas médire de
tante Valérie à qui je dois beaucoup, mais j’ai connu plusieurs vieilles
dames qui m’apprirent, plus tard, à juger celle-ci, qui me
charmèrent, qui, parfois, me contaient plaisamment de belles
histoires où des personnages imaginaires plus vrais que ma
grand’tante, cueillaient des fruits d’or aux branches d’arbres
enchantés, pour les offrir à des oiseaux-lyres dont les plumes
changeaient les brises en musique, de vieilles dames, enfin,
auxquelles je m’attachai tendrement.
Tout à l’encontre, ma grand’tante Valérie était trop maigre. Ses
dents lui sortaient de la bouche de manière offensive, ses propres
dents : elle se vantait fort, en effet, de n’avoir rendu visite au
dentiste que sept fois en soixante-sept ans ! Coiffée d’un singulier
ornement chevelu, couleur d’étoupe, anguleuse comme il n’est pas
permis de l’être, les yeux saillants, d’un bleu terne, sans expression,
très stricte et guindée par d’inexorables principes, tante Valérie
m’éleva avec rigueur, parce qu’elle m’aimait bien, paraît-il, suivant
une juste méthode : la sienne.
 Je crois qu’elle ne chérissait, pour de vrai, que ses deux chats,
deux chats de gouttière, jaunâtres, gras à lard, trop nourris,
auxquels toute fantaisie était permise… (aucune à moi).
Le troisième objet de sa tendresse était un perroquet chauve,
gris, impitoyablement jacassant, qui distribuait sur le tapis les
graines de sa mangeoire. Tante Valérie se mettait alors à genoux (à
moins qu’il n’y eût du monde), balayait la nourriture répandue et se
répandait elle-même en discours hyperboliques, pour louer les
vertus, les mérites, les excellences de « mon admirable Coco, mon
Coco chéri, mon trésor aimé, mon roi des perroquets », enfin, d’une
voix presque amoureuse, « mon Isidore », car Coco portait le nom
d’Isidore, comme moi celui de Michel, dit sur un ton très différent.
Il arrivait parfois que l’un des chats, Paul ou Virginie, ayant
refusé son repas, j’étais expédié, afin de ne pas déranger les
servantes, chez un certain charcutier, homme de confiance dont la
boutique était assez lointaine, ce qui m’enchantait peu en hiver, pour
acheter de la rate dont les deux bêtes se montraient friandes à toute
heure. Cette course utile me donnait, je ne sais pourquoi,
l’impression d’être privé de dessert.
J’entends, je vois Virginie, Paul, Isidore ; je vois aussi ma tante
Valérie… tous quatre sans plaisir, mais, pensant à eux, je me
souviens, vaguement d’ailleurs, de notre appartement triste, où l’on
ne pouvait jouer aux billes, situé à la fois à Paris et en province et,
bien qu’il appartînt au XVe arrondissement, plus loin des boulevards
et du Bois que Brest ou Besançon.
Aidez-moi, de grâce ! aidez-moi ! Voici l’ancien ennui qui menace
de m’étouffer. J’en ai peur : il pourrait me saisir de nouveau ! Aidez-
moi ! tirez-moi de son ombre ! donnez-moi du soleil !

Cette table austère, couverte de cahiers, de livres, de deux

dictionnaires qui tiennent le coin de gauche, d’un encrier carré en
porcelaine, d’un plumier et d’une feuille de papier buvard
rectangulaire, d’un rouge gai, où j’ai arrangé des taches, à ma façon.
Tout le reste paraît gris… Et puis, me faisant face, un homme en
soutane qui me donne des leçons.
La voix de l’abbé Verdier sonne mal. Il bredouille et, comme il
n’ignore pas ses travers, assure que ce défaut de langue l’empêcha
de suivre une carrière de prédicateur qui promettait d’être brillante.
Par contre ses leçons particulières passent pour inégalables. Il est lié
avec tante Valérie à qui d’autres prêtres rendent visite et quelques
dames, vêtues de noir ou de gris sombre : « Des personnes de notre
monde, » a-t-elle dit.
L’abbé Verdier a une belle tête, une couronne de cheveux blancs,
un peu jaunes, de belles mains sèches, une belle prestance. Il
m’impose beaucoup, mais ne m’attire pas.
« La familiarité n’engendre rien de bon… »
Encore une phrase entendue, retenue, approuvée par ma tante.
Décidément, je suis un mauvais élève. Les jours passent, formant
des semaines, des mois, des années. La série est interrompue par
d’autres jours, d’autres semaines, où l’on ne fait rien, où l’on ne
s’ennuie pas moins, cependant. L’abbé Verdier est fort mécontent de
moi.
« Je rougirais d’avoir enseigné un cancre ! »
Ayant cherché « cancre » dans le premier volume des
dictionnaires du coin de gauche, je trouve d’abord « crabe
tourteau », ce qui m’amuse, car j’imagine mal l’abbé Verdier
enseignant un crabe, et puis, hélas ! « écolier paresseux ».
Ce fut le début d’une période orageuse : reproches, paroles
indignées, discours aigres de tante Valérie, tous très sévères et qu’il
faut écouter de façon contrite, mais on assure que je ne sais pas m’y
prendre.
« Figurez-vous, l’Abbé, il a le front de rire en dedans ! »
Ce front qui rit en dedans m’est incompréhensible.
Voici que je porte culottes, des bas de laine, puis des pantalons
et une tunique. Je suis, paraît-il, un grand garçon. Je dois, faute
d’être instruit par l’étude des chef-d’œuvres interprétés par l’abbé
Verdier, ne point passer pour un ignorant. Et ce sont des leçons
encore. On me fait connaître les monuments de Paris, ceux qui
instruisent sans amuser. Quand je me promène ou, pour mieux dire,
qu’on me promène (tante Valérie s’en charge) la visite proposée
tourne à la leçon d’histoire : « puisque les livres ne lui apprennent
rien ».
C’est ainsi que je fus mené à l’Observatoire, à la place Vendôme,
à la Chapelle expiatoire, aux Catacombes de la place Denfert-
Rochereau, enfin à diverses églises. Les notes mnémotechniques de
ma tante, préparées par l’abbé, reposaient dans un sac de velours à
fermoir de corne, puis étaient rangées très soigneusement, afin de
servir plus tard.
« Quelle statue s’érigeait, jadis, où se trouve, aujourd’hui, la
colonne Vendôme et comment se nommait alors cette place ? »
J’ai appris par moi-même qu’il est, à Paris, d’autres monuments,
des musées où l’on voit certaines dames dépourvues de leurs
vêtements et même des salles de concert où l’on joue de la musique
voluptueuse.
Tante Valérie ne connaissait la volupté que par le spectacle des
amours de Paul et de Virginie, qui passaient pour de gracieux
divertissements puérils. Demeurée elle-même à l’état de demoiselle,
ma tante ne s’offensait pas de ces jeux, elle en faisait part, au
besoin.
« Regarde, Michel, comme ils s’amusent ! Sont-ils assez gentils ! »

Mais Isidore vient d’interrompre tante Valérie. Brusquement, il

s’est envolé, une chaînette pendue à la patte gauche. Il plane,
soutenu par des ailes immenses, et parle d’une voix que je ne lui
connais pas : la voix d’un ange évadé de son vitrail.
« L’abbé Verdier, dit Isidore, est un vieil imbécile qui ne sait que
raser Michel. Paul et Virginie sont des chats galeux ou le seront, un
jour. Tante Valérie est une pécore mal coiffée, mal habillée, mal
chaussée et moins gentille pour son prochain qu’Angèle, sa
cuisinière.
« Dors, mon petit Michel ! dors ! Je t’éventerai de mes ailes et te
donnerai de beaux rêves. »
 IV

Je vous ai dit que j’entendais jacasser Isidore et miauler les chats

de ma tante. Il se passe, aujourd’hui, quelque chose de tout
différent.
Je regarde la cascade qui rejaillit sur une dalle noire et, durant
que je contemple ces jeux d’eau, je me sens interrompu, en quelque
sorte, par une voix toute proche de moi, tout à côté de mon lit
(puisque je suis couché), la voix de l’homme au lorgnon.
Les autres bruits étaient des souvenirs de bruits, ce faible
murmure semble d’une qualité différente : il appartient à l’instant
présent. J’écoute et me dépêche de retenir la phrase nouvelle, si
précieuse…
« Certainement, il va mieux, mais il parle encore beaucoup. On
pourra, néanmoins, lui donner quelques libertés, avec prudence. »
Sa voix a baissé ; je n’entends plus rien. N’importe ! J’ai fermé les
yeux et, contre mes paupières, j’ai inscrit la phrase sur un mur crépi
à la chaux, en grandes lettres majuscules, bien noires. Ainsi je
pourrai la relire à ma guise.
Une heure plus tard, je suppose, j’ai entendu des pas feutrés, j’ai
vu des ombres qui bougeaient autour de moi, pendant que je
m’exposais un problème très compliqué, très grave, et tâchais de lui
établir une solution raisonnable… Mais comme ces travaux sont
malaisés !
 Je sais que je suis malade : mes douleurs de tête me le
rappellent. Je sais que je suis en Chine : les quatre paysages que je
vois me sont trop connus. Pourquoi donc ne m’a-t-on pas renvoyé en
France, là-bas, où j’avais accoutumé de vivre ?… Je ne trouve rien, je
m’y perds !
Oh ! que se passe-t-il ? La cascade se déplace ; je ne la vois
soudain que de biais, et la masure n’a pas du tout le même aspect.
Quoi ! se peut-il qu’elle résiste, si branlante, à un tel déplacement ?
Aussitôt après, le bosquet de bambous s’en va et la courbe du fleuve
se détord pour s’enfuir à la manière des serpents.
Un magicien a dû passer, un magicien de Chine, car tout a
disparu.

Il faut que je réfléchisse, sans me troubler… Comment faire ?

« Je t’ai prié, Michel Duroy, de bien réfléchir, sans te troubler ! »
J’ai si grand peur, que je dois me donner des ordres, pour
m’affermir.
« Posez-le contre le mur », dit une autre voix… La mienne ? la
voix du magicien ? Non : celle de l’homme au lorgnon.
Du gris, du gris assez lumineux… je n’aperçois rien que cela, aux
alentours. Plus de feuillage, ni de jonque, ni d’eau bourbeuse ou
vaporisée ; rien, vous dis-je, sauf ce gris lumineux, coupé, dans le
bas, par une longue barre de cuivre, surmontée à chaque bout par
des boules du même cuivre… Mais… mais ne les avais-je pas déjà
entrevues ? Il me semble… sans que je puisse l’affirmer, cependant.
Tout à coup, les souvenirs accourent de nouveau, se bousculent :
je retrouve tante Valérie sous ses aspects les plus charmants,
escortée de l’abbé Verdier, de ses deux chats et d’Isidore. Ils font de
leur mieux pour m’exaspérer, sans rien inventer de nouveau, car ils
manquent d’imagination, mais cette répétition me fatigue plus
encore que de méchantes fantaisies.
 Pourtant, Isidore ne m’a-t-il pas éventé, un soir, de ses grandes
ailes ? Oh ! ce souvenir je veux le garder, sans jamais y faire allusion.
Maintenant, on parle de tout autre chose.
« Mon petit ! je crois que Virginie vient de s’oublier, la pauvrette !
sous la bergère brodée. Prends un torchon à l’office et ne manque
pas de bien essuyer. Surtout, aucun reproche à la chère bestiole : il
faut la traiter avec douceur ! »
« Mon petit Michel ! Isidore réclame son goûter. Ne dérange pas
les bonnes. Va vite ! Pourquoi un perroquet comme celui-là serait-il
privé de friandises, lorsque nous nous les permettons ? »
J’obéissais toujours, sans grâce, il est vrai, sans me montrer
flatté de l’honneur que me faisait ma tante… mais j’obéissais.
Je n’étais qu’un jeune imbécile ! Refuser n’eût servi de rien,
néanmoins il y a des moyens de se venger qui ne sont pas
dépourvus d’un certain agrément. Je n’y songeais pas ! Aurais-je,
moi aussi, manqué d’imagination, de fantaisie ? Puisque je rêvais, la
nuit, des quelques lectures furtives que je pouvais faire, pourquoi ne
pas en faire usage ? Ah ! les gosses sont bien peu dégourdis !
Tu ne peux supporter ta tante, ton professeur en soutane, Paul,
Virginie et Isidore ?… Moque-toi d’eux ! Invente une mascarade où ils
joueront les rôles qu’il te plaira de leur imposer. Transforme tante
Valérie en vieille sorcière ! La voilà qui perd ses dents ; ses cheveux
sont pleins de poux, une araignée lui pend au nez et le jour où elle
reçoit l’évêque en tournée pastorale, au moment où elle lui fait sa
révérence, je ne sais par quel accident sa jupe est tombée, son
jupon a suivi, un vent-coulis venu de la cheminée relève sa chemise
et l’évêque, très myope, se penche par courtoisie et met son
lorgnon, afin de mieux voir.
Pendant ce temps, Paul et Virginie font des horreurs sur les pieds
épiscopaux et le cher Isidore pris d’une crise de pudeur, grimpe le
long des jambes de ma tante et ouvre ses deux ailes pour cacher le
paysage… ses deux ailes d’ange ?
Alors tu entres, tu sauves tout, tu rabats les jupes de ta tante, tu
tords le cou aux deux chats, tu donnes Isidore à l’évêque qui
s’engage à le garder toujours et qui sort chaussé de soulier crottés.
Pour l’abbé Verdier que nous oublions, on trouvera autre chose,
mais je te suggère, mon enfant, de le faire surprendre par ta tante,
en train de violer la cuisinière sur son fourneau tout rouge, ce qui
répandrait une insupportable odeur de roussi.
Oui… mais je n’y songeais pas ! non plus qu’à recevoir en
cachette quelques amis de mon choix…
Ouvre leur la fenêtre ! appelle-les discrètement ! Ils ne tarderont
pas à venir. Tu les connais d’après les livres, (interdits ou permis par
ta tante,) mais ils vivent et tu pourras leur parler.
En voici un qui a couru le monde. Il te contera de belles histoires
du Pacifique où les îles sont des lieux d’enchantement dont jamais
on ne se lasse. Les femmes s’y promènent vêtues de pagnes,
portant des fleurs dans leurs lourds cheveux…
Va te perdre ensuite dans la forêt où les singes se balancent aux
lianes, à bout de bras, où le tigre miaule, où la gazelle fuit, où, sur le
bord d’un fleuve, de grands sauriens mouillés claquent des
mâchoires, où l’orchidée pousse en plein air, sans être garée par des
vitres, où le paon blanc étale sa roue magnifiquement, comme pour
une cérémonie…
Descends vers le bord de la mer… Les sirènes du flot, assises sur
des rocs, se divertissent et jouent avec l’écume. On dirait qu’elles
font elles-mêmes des bulles en baisant la crête des vagues et,
chaque fois que la bulle crève, il en jaillit un chant, à tel point
séducteur, que le roi d’Ithaque, voguant aux alentours, doit faire
boucher à la cire les oreilles de ses compagnons.
Te plairait-il d’extraire l’or d’une mine ?… C’est un peu plus loin.
Ton ami te conduira, mais attends quelques jours, car voici une fée
qui vient d’entrer et se froisserait à coup sûr si tu ne l’admirais dans
sa danse, au lieu que, si tu parviens à gagner ses bonnes grâces, je
crois qu’elle daignera sauter à la corde avec toi.
Puisque tu t’ennuies dans ton lit, Michel, ne perds pas ton
temps !
 V

Non, ça ne marche pas du tout avec l’abbé Verdier. Tante Valérie

s’en lamente, un jour sur deux ; elle prend à témoins de ma très
honteuse indignité ses chats qui n’en peuvent mais et le chauve
Isidore qui ne sait compatir qu’en jacassant sur un ton plus aigre. On
va donc tenter une expérience : m’envoyer dans un collège pseudo
laïc, mais bien pensant, à la campagne, jusqu’à mon baccalauréat.
On s’est même arrangé pour que cette institution de tout repos me
garde durant les mois de vacances.
J’ai, paraît-il, enfin bien travaillé. Trois ans, j’ai fait honneur à ma
famille (telle est la formule), puis est venu l’affreux accident.
Mes maîtres m’ont découvert un goût pour les beaux-arts. Les
beaux-arts… ces mots me forcent à m’interrompre.
Tout à l’heure, je vous parlais d’un paysage qui s’en allait en
morceaux. Je comprends pourquoi ! Le paysage était simplement un
paravent à quatre feuilles que l’on ouvrait devant la fenêtre. Il
m’enchantait si fort que j’avais à peine remarqué la barre de cuivre
de mon lit et ses deux boules.
Ce paravent, je l’avais peint moi-même, là-bas, en Chine. Mais je
ne suis donc plus en Chine, aujourd’hui ? Je suis peut-être à Paris !
Ah ! que de choses m’assiègent ! Ne m’en veuillez pas : je me sens
plus instable. Excusez… Je retourne en arrière.
 Mes maîtres, dis-je, m’ont découvert un goût pour les beaux-arts.
Combien ai-je dessiné de roses, de pots en grès, de chaises, de
bustes en plâtre, jusqu’à satiété, jusqu’au découragement ! mais je
m’en consolais, étant autorisé à fouiller dans la bibliothèque du
collège, bien fournie…
Et puis est survenu l’affreux accident.
Un jour d’été, jour de vacances où l’on me laisse un peu de
liberté, je me suis rendu au village, emportant de quoi dessiner, pour
mon plaisir, cette fois. Ayant fait connaissance, dans un bosquet,
d’une gentille paysanne de mon âge (quatorze ans), je causai avec
elle et, comme nous pensions être à l’abri des indiscrets, je la
suppliai honnêtement de se dévêtir, afin de faire un croquis de son
corps que je supposais agréable à voir, surtout pas en plâtre. Le
temps était chaud ; elle consentit et je commençai ma première
œuvre d’après le modèle vivant.
A peine ai-je indiqué l’attache délicate de l’épaule qu’un de mes
professeurs survient, l’un des moins tendres. Il pousse un cri
d’horreur, il lève les bras au ciel et, ne trouvant plus les mots qu’il
faudrait dire, il prend la fuite.
Lucette, la gentille jeune paysanne, se rhabille, sans hâte
apparente, et ne peut s’empêcher de rire. Je ne lui donne pas tort.
De quel crime sommes-nous coupables ? Certes, je l’ai un peu
caressée, en manière de remerciement, et j’ai même baisé sa jolie
nuque, mais le détournement de mineure ne s’est pas autrement
accompli.
« Moi, dit-elle, je retourne chez nous. Tout ça : des histoires qui
ne regardent personne, et papa se méfie des messieurs du collège
qui nous ont joué de vilains tours. Au revoir ! vous finirez le dessin
une autre fois. »
Je montrai, je l’avoue, moins de désinvolture et m’en fus, ayant
accompagné Lucette jusqu’à la porte de son logis, l’oreille basse
quand il fallut entrer dans le préau du collège.
Ah ! ce fut un scandale sans nom ! D’abord eut lieu une façon de
jugement, devant le directeur et les maîtres, qui me rappela le sort
de maintes nobles figures de l’histoire (avec leurs dates),
condamnées aux flammes ou à la roue, pour avoir suivi les ordres de
leur démon intérieur (en somme, j’étais peut-être la graine d’un
peintre illustre…). Puis, ce fut le cachot, qui ne laissa pas de
m’humilier, cette punition étant réservée d’ordinaire aux petits.
Mettre au cachot un garçon de quatorze ans passés montrait chez
mes maîtres un esprit bien rétrograde ! Cette peine afflictive dura
trois jours, le temps de correspondre avec Paris ; on n’osa pas
envoyer une dépêche, bien que le cas en valût la peine. Enfin, je fus
conduit sous bonne escorte à la gare, mais mon amie Lucette, mon
modèle, veillait, qui me salua au passage par des rires et même par
l’envoi d’un baiser. Chère fille ! ses jambes étaient d’un galbe
délicieux. L’un des répétiteurs du collège devait m’accompagner et
remettre son prisonnier entre les mains de Mlle Valérie dûment
instruite de mon crime.
Tant que le voyage dura, je songeai aux jambes de Lucette et
pas un moment aux jambes de ma tante. Son accueil fut à vrai dire
assez frais.
Le silence, le silence absolu ; un visage immobile qui ne
s’émouvait plus aux caresses des chats, ni même aux proclamations
d’Isidore. L’épreuve du cachot continuait. Pour achever cette belle
journée, il me fallut subir un discours du père Verdier.
Oui, je comprends que cet homme vénérable se fût trouvé, jadis,
un talent d’orateur sacré. Je l’imaginai me parlant du haut d’une
chaire… Très éloquent, il me démontra ma honte et mon ignominie
par des phrases de grand style, lourdes de sens, vigoureuses,
animées par une indignation sincère et coupées seulement, de
temps à autre, par des appels lancés par Isidore, se rapportant à un
sujet qui l’intéressait davantage : son prochain repas.
« Pour me résumer en quelques mots, il convient que vous
commenciez une longue et sérieuse pénitence, afin d’alléger un peu
le poids accablant qui pèse, par votre faute, sur les épaules de votre
sainte et bonne grand’tante, car, songez-y courageusement, sans
faiblir ni discuter avec vous-même, vous qui ne vous êtes
assurément pas signalé par vos études, mais en qui je voyais une
conscience pure, vous, Michel Duroy, nous avez trompés, entendez-
vous ? trompés !
— Carotte ! Carotte ! » s’écria Isidore qui, du moins, montrait de
la suite dans les idées.
Et je ne pus, hélas ! étouffer l’éclat de rire qui surgit dans ma
gorge…
« Ah ! Dieu soit loué ! prononça une voix tout près de ma couche.
Il me semble bien qu’il vient de rire ! »
Mais oui, j’ai ri… Pourquoi s’en étonne-t-on ?
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